Day 12

Ok, so my days aren't exactly one after the other right now. So sue me. You work 60 hours per week and make wedding invitations on the side and we'll see how much blogging time you put in. I do have ideas saved up though!


I've been dwelling on a thought tonight, and I just had to sort it out, and this is how I'm doing it. 


It all starts with my hair. Yes, my hair. See, my hair is dumb. It likes to be both frizzy and greasy at the same time, and it drives me crazy. Most of the people I know will only ever see my hair up because I just can't handle trying to achieve some kind of style with it every morning. In order to solve my main issue, which is the dryness/frizziness/greasiness, I buy Expensive Hair Products. I don't even know how many different products I've tried on my hair. Shampoos, conditioners, mousse, sprays. It doesn't matter what I try, I've struggled with my hair since I hit puberty. That was now a long time ago. I struggled with it for a long time, until I found what I'm currently using. What I'm currently using costs a pretty penny, but it saves me the hassle of having a breakdown every morning when I try to figure out what to do with this greasy mess on top of my scalp. Today, I went to the hairdresser, and stocked up on my products, because I don't know where I'll be able to buy them when I eventually make the move down South. I've never felt bad about buying this stuff, because it makes my life easier and makes my hair shiny and smell good. I enjoy these things. 


However, recently something was said to me that has hit a nerve. Someone suggested to me that I complain about problems that aren't really important on one of my facebook statuses recently. 


Now. I have problems. I have several problems. I've had many problems. There are serious problems that I struggle with everyday. But I don't post about those. Those I keep to myself. I figure instead, that I'm gonna make some sarcastic remark about something inconsequential, and then somebody goes off on me about it. The implication being that my problems aren't as important as other people's problems because I happen to live in a developed nation, and that means my life is perfect. 


There are few things that get me really riled up. I'm pretty cool about most things. Even most offenses against me I can kind of gloss over. But hypocrisy is not one of them. 


I really don't like hypocrisy because it's kind of a form of lying. I don't like lying. I used to lie A LOT. Jesus helped me stop that habit, and today, I hold the truth very highly. I don't lie, and I expect the people around me to refrain from doing it...at least to me. On that same note, I *try* not to be hypocritical, which is difficult, but I think God helps me do a pretty good job of that. 


The type of hypocriticism I'm talking about here is the kind where I'm supposed to feel guilty about living the life I do because someone thinks I should. Because I live in Canada, and have a car, and can afford Expensive Hair Products, I'm supposed to feel guilty. I've been thinking about this a lot lately, and the reason I hate it when people try to make me feel this way is because they often live the same kind of life I do. Who are they to make me feel bad about my life, when it's not like they've sacrificed everything to whatever cause they want to attach themselves to?


There's an idea in the Bible that says that people can give up pretty much everything they have, and just have faith that God will provide what they need. This can be a good idea. It just depends on who you are, and what God had put into your heart. However, some people promote this concept as an ideal instead of an idea, and that's dangerous. Then people say, "I want to give up everything and just trust God." And people like me go, "Well, why don't you?" And then those people pause and have to give a justification as to why they haven't yet mustered up the strength to do it. And whatever they say, the real reason is that they haven't done it because God hasn't actually told them to. You can't do something like that for real unless you hear God's voice telling you to. And there are some people for whom God will do that for, because it will work for them to do such a thing. 


I am not the kind of person that would work for. I am too fragile. Sure it sounds all dainty and whatever, and it may also sound like a cop-out. But the truth is that my body can't take things like that, and I can't function. I need supplements, and allergy pills, and inhalers, and all of that stuff. I need to make money to have all those things, so I can be healthy, so I can serve other people. As of right now, I'm not capable of giving up everything and moving to wherever and living with the orphans. I'm not strong enough physically. 


I'm not strong enough emotionally either. I think I'm strong enough spiritually, but emotionally, well...I cry way too easily. My heart breaks over the smallest thing. You know those stories you read about sick kid's dreams coming true because they've got terminal cancer? I bawl my eyes out reading those. And those are good things! You don't want to know what happens when I see those commercials about AIDS orphans. It kills me inside. And I get all depressed, and I feel hopeless. 


I commend the missionaries and relief workers, and doctors who go to needy people and help them. I respect them a lot. I can't do what they can do. But I know what I can do. I encourage people. I try to make them feel special and like what they do and who they are matters. It's important to me that people feel good about themselves and their purpose in the world. So, I pray for people, and I listen to them, and I care for them. That's my purpose in life, and it's a good purpose. 


The Bible says that there are different parts of the body of Christ, and they all work together for the greater good. Some people go and help. Some people teach. Some people stay here and serve or encourage. I'm the serve and encourage type. 


So how I see it is this. I need to take care of myself so that I can do my part in God's kingdom on earth. Why He made me so fragile, I'll never know. I suspect it's to keep me here and to make my heart soft so that I can use both of those things to reach out to the people that are here and in need. I can't feel bad when other people make it seem like I am dumb for having the problems I have, because those problems stem from the life I have. And the life I have is the one God gave me, and I'm not going to be ashamed of it. If I am, I can't do my work in the body, and I'd really be useless. So I'll stay here, and love on people. That's all I can do. I'm not going to feel guilty about that. If I feel good about my life, I'll feel good about myself, and that's healthy. 

-brief interlude-

all of a sudden.

the drop in the pit of my stomach.

the sadness swells in me.

this sensation...a feeling i have come to know all too well.

i feel sick and exhausted and pining.

it is as if you stole a piece of my soul and absconded with it.

the feeling rises up to my throat.

pushes the tears to the surface.

i breathe deeply to hold them in, but they swell and start falling anyways.

my vision blurs, and in it all i see is you.

i fall on my bed and sob.

the days go by quickly in retrospect.

but every day when i am going through it seems like a year.

i waited so long for you.

to keep waiting. such a torture.

i want this to end.

i want my soul back and you with it. 

Day 11

To be honest, I didn’t learn anything today. I’ve only had things reinforced that I’ve known for a long time.

There is a slight obsession in our culture with being happy. We are told to follow what makes us happy, to do whatever we can to secure it, even if it comes at the cost of someone else and their happiness. We’re told to plaster on a smile even when we feel like crap. We tell people our feelings, and they just tell us, ‘it’ll be ok…just forget about it’.

When I was younger, I often had days like I did today. Days where I would have rather climbed back into bed and forgotten about life instead of getting up and facing the world. People were always telling me to smile.

 

“Don’t forget to smile!”

“Where’s your pretty smile?”

“Bet I can make you smile.”

What is the obsession with smiling? Because it means you’re happy. And people don’t want to see a frown. Because a frown means that something’s wrong. And there’s the feelings that come with something being wrong. And nobody wants to talk about feelings. Feelings are bad. And to be avoided at all costs, lest you bring someone down from their happiness with your reality that you feel like a big sack of garbage.

But really, sometimes a ‘not-a-smile’ (because sometimes it’s not a frown, it’s just the absence of a smile”, is just a neutral, “I don’t feel that great today.”

And really, you can’t have really awesome days and just plain good days without having the days that you just don’t feel that good or days that you feel like throttling everyone. It’s the downs that make the ups significant.

Would the days that Daric told me he loved me for the first time or that he proposed be so amazing in my mind if I didn’t also have terrible days where I cried over my loneliness and desire to be loved?

Will a good day next week have the same significance it will without today being absolutely dull and lifeless?

Can I truly feel happiness without having truly felt sadness?

I don’t think so. I think of the times when I’ve had a real push in my spiritual development. Those times are preceded and followed by times of spiritual…rest. Where I’ve lived out what I just learned.

I think of the times when I’ve been so happy. Like my week in Texas. It wouldn’t have been so amazing if I had been able to spend time with Daric beforehand. It would have been the same old thing.

Maybe that’s why relationships and other things in life fail. We walk around when things are ok, and they’re ok. We’re happy, things are happy. But, then things feel unhappy, and yet we still put the smile on our face. And then we realize we can’t keep up the façade. We think, “does this person really see me? do they really care? what do they really understand about me?” And then it falls apart. It’s happened to me before. And it can happen with anything. A relationship, a friendship, a job, a commitment we want to have time for but don’t.

Maybe it’s just me. But I doubt it. I doubt that I’m the only person who gets sick of keeping up this façade. I stopped apologizing for having bad days at some point. I don’t know when. But, I enjoy it. If someone asks me if I’m ok today, and I’m not, I tell them. “No…I don’t really feel like myself today…but hopefully tomorrow will be better.”

I believe in honesty. I don’t lie. I don’t cheat. I don’t steal. There used to be a time where I did all of those, and very well. But Jesus changed me, and I’m grateful for that. However, this change has meant that I value honesty to a great degree, and I don’t like it when people are fake. I don’t like it when they hide their feelings. And I most of all don’t like it from myself.

So, when I’m having a bad day, I’m honest about it. I’m not going to deprive myself of being honest and being myself just to save others being uncomfortable. I know that Daric doesn’t like it when I’m upset. But, if he asks me if I’m ok, what am I supposed to say? Am I supposed to lie and pretend everything is ok when it’s not? Or should I be honest?

We promised that we would be honest with each other all the time, right from the start, realizing that confronting possible problems before they got out of control was better than pretending they didn’t existed. This is something I live by. This has given us a very deep connection in which we are safe to share our real selves. So, I will tell him when everything is not ok. And I will do the same with everyone else.

Sometimes, having self-esteem and self-confidence means that we do what we feel we need to for ourselves at all times. Earlier I said we were obsessed with finding happiness, but this is not about happiness. This is about contentedness, which goes deeper and lasts longer than ‘happiness’. Happy is a feeling, not a state. Happy comes and goes. But being content…that’s when you know that you’re in the right place, and it helps you get through these days that feel like nothing, and help you get to the next one that feels like awesome.

So…I guess the point of this blog post was to share something I’ve always known. Yes, there are days I’m happy. There are days I’m sad. There are days when I feel nothing at all. But, instead of feeling like I have to be happy all the time, I should remember that being content is enough. I wish more people knew that. I wish more people said that.

I am content. I know that the life I’m moving towards is real and where I should be. I know that Daric is the man I’m meant to be with, the best one for me, and the best thing that’s ever happened to me (besides Jesus. I mean, Daric is amazing, but he can’t save my soul). Texas is (apparently) where I’m meant to be. I can see our apartment in my head. I’m so content with that life. And the thought of being with Daric makes me happy. But sometimes, the thought is eclipsed by days like today. Days where I’m just going through the motions but I’m tired, stressed, and just need to go back to bed. I don’t think this is bad. I think it’s realistic. I’m not going to go into my new phase of life thinking I’m gonna be ultra-happy 24/7. That’s unrealistic. But to know I’m content and will continue to be…that’s enough. It’s awesome, even. I’ve found it difficult to be content in my life, and here it is. So real and ever-present. It’s amazing. Contentedness over ‘constant happiness’ (whatever that means). Honesty and reality over fake-smiles and fake ok-ness. That’s what I want. That’s all I ever wanted. I’ve got it, and I like it. 

Day 10

If you’ve known me for any length of time, or talked to me at length, you will know that I tend to put my foot in my mouth a lot. Usually it gets me laughed at or looked at weird. Of course, since Daric knows me best out of everyone, he gets to experience this foot-in-mouth action more than anyone. And since he loves me more than anyone, he’s most forgiving of it. I am super thankful for that. 

I am so not used to the kind of love he offers me. And this seems to mean I need constant reassurance from him that I am what he wants, and the life we’re building is the life he wants. Our lives have been pretty different. His was…flavourful. Mine was…well, boring. My biggest fear is that he will miss that life, and either leave me or resent me, or something else to get that life back. And I’ll end up alone, and depressed, and boring once again.

Daric inspires this whole adventuresome part of me. I’m willing to pick up my life, and move all the way to Texas to be with him. People question this plan of mine, and I have never given it a second thought, and I know why. I was meant to be with him. He is where I belong, and I’ll go anywhere in order to make that happen. I have changed so much since we’ve started our relationship, and if I were to look at my current self from my self from a year ago, I totally wouldn’t recognize myself. Being apart from him is slowly tearing me to pieces, and it brings all these fears to the surface. I think that by the time we’re back together in September, I will be very near my wit’s end.

One of the things that I keep running into is that I seem to need this constant reassurance from him. I think most of it stems from fear, some of it from missing him, and some of it from my obvious self-esteem deficiency. I’ve gotten way better in the way I think about my body and the way I look, and what I’m capable of. But I guess I’m not as self-assured of my own worth as I thought I was.

I think another part of it is that I’ve wanted to change so many things in my life for the last few years, and I’ve never been able to. I’ve wanted to move out, I’ve wanted to get this job, I’ve wanted to do all these things, and I’ve been stuck. I’ve never really been able to get what I wanted. And finally…finally…I have my dream in view. I have this amazing man, who wants to marry me, who loves me more than anything, who wants to be with me. Forever. And I know it’s gonna happen, and I know we’re gonna be together, and I know I’m gonna move to Texas, and be happy, and make a beautiful life and be in love and hopefully have babies and live the next 60 years with this wonderful man who loves me. But since I’ve been stuck on my own in life for the last few years, every once in a while, I have this thought in the back of my mind that it might not happen. Even though I know it will. I think I know what it is. It’s my brain playing tug of war with me. I think it’s also a bit of the evil one in this world, trying to tear me down.

Since sometimes others are our biggest ally in boosting our self-esteem, Daric has told me that I just need to remember that this is a sure thing. That we will get married and be together. To never doubt that. He’s helped me a lot with my self-esteem, and I think that I don’t give him enough credit for how amazing an influence he has been in my life. Maybe I’m scared to finally be happy. There’s a quote in the first Sex and the City movie I feel is applicable:

“I have everything I ever wanted. I am so happy that I'm terrified. Nobody gets everything that they want. Look at you. Look at Miranda. You're good people and look at what happened to you. Of course something bad is gonna happen to me.”

That comes from Charlotte, who is finally pregnant, after years of trying, and having given up and adopted a daughter from China. She’s finally got everything she wants, and she’s afraid that it’s gonna get taken away. That’s what strikes me sometimes. I’ve got what I’ve always wanted: a man who loves me, a life that I can make what I want of. So I feel like Charlotte. Of course, Carrie puts everything into perspective for her:

“Sweetie...you shit your pants this year. Maybe you're done.”

Now…just so you know, I haven’t shit my pants this year. At least, not that I remember. But the point is that a) sometimes you just get what you want and b) a good joke resolves most tension.

God is actually giving me all that I want. Perhaps I should just sit back and enjoy it already. And the next time I feel like I wanna doubt Him or me or Daric or what I’m getting…this beautiful gift…I should just slap myself and stop. I’m getting it. It’s awesome. 

Day 9

So, I'm almost better. Turns out I had strep throat. Fun times. I've never had it before, and it is definitely not pleasant. I think I'll be good to go by Tuesday when I have to go back to work. Of course, I didn't get to work this weekend, and if you know me, you know that doesn't make me happy. Oh well. Such is life. 


I was thinking just earlier, as I am prone to do, and since I remembered that I was on Day 9 (although clearly since I got sick, I haven't been doing this everyday), I looked up my daily email from the Christian site I signed up on. And you know, God has this way of telling you what you need to hear just when you need to hear it for reinforcement, encouragement, etc. It's crazy. I love it when it happens. It's pretty much the whole basis of why my relationship with Daric happened and why we're getting married in October. 


Anyways, I was thinking earlier about Cosmo magazine. And this is because Daric hates Cosmo. A lot. He thinks they're crazy over there, and for the most part, I agree with him. But I was wondering why we don't like it, or in particular, why I don't. And I think the reason is that it comes from this secular viewpoint that is selfish and negative. Now, I'm not saying that every secular viewpoint is like this. But, some are, especially when they're all for 'empowering women'. Whatever that means. So, there tends to be a lot in there about how you shouldn't have to take care of your man, and how to manipulate him into or out of things, and a whole lot of sex advice that I would never take, since it sometimes involves one-night stands, which I totally don't understand the appeal of. Anyways. I looked up my email for Day 9, and lo and behold, the third point they sent was this:


"It is a high and holy calling to be a helper to your husband and to manage the affairs of your household."


This was after a point about how you're like Jesus when you're serving, and that it's a blessing to a man to know there's a woman at home praying for him and watching out for him on the homefront. 


But that third point really hit me hard. It's difficult to be that woman these days I think. I don't think there are a ton of women who would stand tall, and say to everyone around them, "I want to have children, and stay at home to take care of them and my husband and my household". There's this idea that your wants and desires should come first (note I didn't say anything about your needs, which should always be a priority regardless of whether you work in an office or at home). It's the idea that "I want..." should be what we promote, and I don't think Jesus would agree. 


He always met his needs. He ate, he drank, he found a place to rest his head, he prayed, he had friends, he had fun. But he was satisfied even though he wasn't the richest person, even though he had no say in what his future held. He went where God led him, and he did want God wanted him to do, and never once did he put his wants in front of that. He put his needs first, for instance, when he escaped from crowds because he needed to find a private place to pray alone. But, he never put his wants first. He cried and cried in the garden because he wanted to put his wants first, but he couldn't. He knew it wouldn't be right. 


I know that my life will probably always be more comfortable than the one Jesus had. I know that he doesn't require me to give up everything I have in order to be his follower. But I know that he does expect me to serve wherever he puts me. I think that's why Cosmo bothers me. It's totally the opposite of what Jesus wants from me. It's focused on me, not others. Jesus wants me to be like him in my heart. This means that yes, I will take care of my husband. Yes, I will stay home to care for my children. Yes, I will put aside my own ambitions (even though I don't really have any besides wanting a family) to follow his lead and take care of others. It's what he's inspired in me. 


So I guess what I've realized this week is that I'll always be surrounded by those negative voices. I might have people saying to me after my children start to get bigger..."So, when are you going to go back to work?" I'll have to stand tall and tell them what I expect of myself and what I will do...stay home with them and teach them. Sometimes following the lead of Jesus means sticking up for what he's called you to do. 


I guess in terms of self-esteem, it goes like this. I know what I'm meant to do, but there will always be voices buzzing around me trying to tell me what they think I should do. But their opinions don't matter. Mine does. Daric's does. And most of all, God's does. Those are the only three opinions that need to matter ultimately to me in my life, and I can't be ashamed of that. So I just need to tune out those voices, or tell them to shut it, and move forward. God's plan for me hasn't failed yet. I won't let doubts make it fail in the future. I just need to have the confidence and self-esteem to know that I'm doing the right things in my life, and that it's gonna be ok. God doesn't let the people who follow the path He's set out for them fail. 


"For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. Then you will call on me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you. You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart." - Jeremiah 29: 11-13

Day...8

Ok, so I'm pretty sure this is where I left off. I got busy, and then I got sick, and then all of a sudden I haven't written anything for a week. 


Good news though. Since beginning this whole self-esteem thing, I've been a lot more positive about my body. Even when I had the flu and my belly was bloated so much I looked pregnant. One of the things that helps is dancing, which I completely love. I started back in ballet classes last week. It has felt awesome so far. I love the muscles that ballet gives me, and the way that moving in that way makes me feel. It's very lovely. So, I've done pretty good in changing the way I think about my body in that way. 


Of course, there's always a negative side to everything, and my one big remaining problem I have with my body is it's immune system. I have a weak immune system, and that is tied to my endometriosis, and this gives me allergies, and (possible) issues with having children. For now, obviously, it's only my allergies that are driving me absolutely insane, as it's given me some very significant sinus pain, lung problems, and now a reaction in my throat that has probably turned into an infection. For the most part, I can handle these health problems, since my body is pretty strong and I'm fairly capable of doing most of the things I want to. I just need to be careful. It'll be difficult when we want to have children though....I'm not entirely sure how I'll feel if I can't get pregnant, or how I'll feel about my body, which tends to be my enemy, at that point. I try to assume the best possible scenario, but it's difficult to when your body attacks you in such an epic fashion so randomly. I know allergies and my compromised immune system in general is not my fault, and being barren wouldn't be either, but the possibility still fills me with dread. 


As for my Christian part of my journey, I have recently started a new job as a nanny, and it dawns on me that no matter how many times I say to myself that I'm not going to go back into childcare because yet another family treated me like crap, I always do. I know why too, and I know it's because that caring for children is part of God's plan for my life. This is one of the reasons that my endometriosis terrifies me so much. I don't want to have to take care of other people's children for the rest of my life just to live out my purpose. I want to have my own beautiful babies with my amazing husband, and live out my purpose in my own home. My own quiet little dream. It's my destiny to be a wife and mother, and I want it so bad. I'm so thankful for my wonderful husband, and I'm just praying that God will give me the gift of my own children with this wonderful man. I want to give him that. It's difficult to know what you were meant for and know that it might not be yours. I just have to have faith that God will make it happen. He can make anything happen. Anything is possible with Him. He has done so much for Daric and I so far, and I know that whatever happens, I'll always have him by my side ready to move forward with me. That's what I'm most grateful for in life. 


So, my journey hasn't really moved all that much while I haven't been writing about it, but a lot of things have sunk in, and I've realized some important things. I'm hoping to get back on this train now. I'm still sick, so we'll see what happens. I know some people have been reading and wanting to do their own journeys too. That's really awesome. I wish those people would share in the comments what they've been doing too :)


Much love, 
Amanda

Day something.

So, I haven't been writing as often in the last couple days. I've been pretty busy, starting a new job, which has been great so far.

However, I do have some observations, and they mostly come with information from my past.

I'd say I spent a good chunk of my life alone in myself with depression. Most people would disagree with that, but most people can't see into your soul. After a while of having yourself ignored, you learn to hide yourself deep enough to ensure that nobody figures out that something is wrong. I have become a master at this. I could be dying inside and you would never know.

When I was in counselling for my depression after I hit rock bottom, my counsellor told me that depression is a spiral downwards, but it's also a spiral back up.

A big part of my journey out of depression was to learn to rely on myself and see myself as a worthwhile person. It took a long time, but I did that. Obviously not tons and tons, considering I've recently felt the need to boost my self-esteem.

Having felt ignored most of my life, I now hate it when I feel like people are ignoring me. It really nags on me and drags down my feelings about myself. I know that people don't intentionally ignore me, and they probably don't feel like they are, and I'm sure I have no reason to think they are.

After struggling with depression for so long though, I feel like I have extra insight to how people can help others feel good about themselves. And my most pressing advice would be to never ignore someone because you feel awkward, or that they're not worth your time, or because you just don't want to deal with them. Some words, or lack thereof, can make or break someone. I've heard stories of someone wanting to take their own lives, and they give it one more day, for just one person to convince them that not all is lost, and that they have worth, and sometimes that person that saves them from themselves doesn't even know what they've done until it's done, but it happened because they cared. That is so important. Just caring.

Unfortunately, depression is never something that you shake for the rest of your life. I'll be fine for a while, and then all of a sudden, things come crashing down, in my mind, and then I start wigging out. Not even getting a new job cures it.

I will say this though: taking care of children is my purpose in life, and I find that when I'm filling that purpose, I can't think about myself. Maybe that's why I work so much. Maybe it's why I shove my life full of 60 hour work weeks and 4 hours naps. Sometimes, being awake and not busy enough is just too damn painful. So, I accept that in life, I will be doomed to randomly thinking terrible things about myself. I snap out of it eventually, but I can't stop it myself. That's the problem with brain chemistry. I have no solutions to this problem, and it kills me, but it's part of my lot in life I guess. Every time it happens, I just have to get through it. But there are lots of things like that in life, and it all changes and/or gets better eventually.

Day 6

“And why are you anxious about clothing? Consider the lilies of the field, how they grow: they neither toil nor spin, yet I tell you, even Solomon in all his glory was not arrayed like one of these. But if God so clothes the grass of the field, which today is alive and tomorrow is thrown into the oven, will he not much more clothe you, O you of little faith? Therefore do not be anxious, saying, 'What shall we eat?' or 'What shall we drink?' or 'What shall we wear?' For the Gentiles seek after all these things, and your heavenly Father knows that you need them all. But seek first the kingdom of God and his righteousness, and all these things will be added to you.”

                                                          -Matthew 6:28-33

Yesterday I went shopping with a good friend. Now that I’ve decided to stop trying to lost weight, I’d like to start buying some more high-quality clothing that I love that will last me for a long time, and help me be motivated to maintain my current weight. However, given that I am stuck to one part-time job for now, I can’t really buy anything at all. Of course, my wonderful fiancé does buy me things, but there are still things he can’t buy me because he’s so far away. Plus, that I can’t provide for myself is very frustrating.

I guess this blog post combines my secular and Christian journeys for this day. I want to look good for my own self-esteem, plus for my husband because he deserves it. It’s one thing to lounge around in sweats with him all day, but it’s another to go out looking like that when I’m on his arm, out in public. Plus, if I look good for myself, I will feel better about myself. Since I’ve decided to stop trying to lose weight, if I look good, I will feel better about that decision.

The secular part of me wants to buy pretty things. The Christian part says that what makes me beautiful is not what I’m wearing.

When I was younger, people would tell me that I’m beautiful. I agree with them, but part of me thought that that was the only part of me that was worthwhile. Nobody ever told me I was smart. When I got close to my goal weight, I decided that I did not want to be one of those bitchy beautiful skinny girls who think they’re better than everyone else because of what she’s wearing or looks like. Not judging people anymore because of how they look has helped me overcome this. I don’t feel better than anyone else, because I don’t judge them on those things that would cause me to feel better than them.

Today I was watching a tv show about girls who have out of control spending habits. This girl was given a challenge to go shopping, with a list, with a budget limit per item. When she was trying to buy jeans, her limit for them was $75. To me, $75 on a pair of jeans is outrageous. The other day I bought some for $15. I don’t think I’ve ever spend over $40 on a pair. All she did was whine and complain that the ones she wanted were over her budget. She had pulled a pair for $50, and when she was trying them on, she said, “Oh, these are only $50…oh, there’s a reason they’re only $50”. She thinks that they're cheaper because the quality is low. Or maybe it's the other way around...she thinks the quality sucks because the price is low. 

This kind of attitude about clothing speaks volumes about our society. To think it’s ok to badmouth certain things (and I mean anything…clothing, cars, housing, food, etc) that is cheaper and affordable, and what some people can afford merely because it’s cheaper shows how ridiculously materialistic we have become. As someone who didn’t grow up with a ton of money, I think it’s crazy to spend $200 on a pair of pants. $70 on a shirt. $300 on boots. I could buy all of those things for under $100 total. Why would I spend it, when I could save the extra $400 or spend it on something else, or buy more with it?

This girl…she may have been beautiful on the outside…but she wasn’t beautiful on the inside. There are lots of people our culture says are unattractive but I know to be beautiful because of who they are, and what they do for other people. Material possessions and provisions have become more important to us than how we live our lives and treat other people.

The Bible verse above says that we shouldn’t worry about those things. I can attest to the fact that God always provides for His people. There have been many times when I’ve been without a job and gotten one just in the nick of time. People have helped me pay for things, or I realize that I already have a perfectly fine substitute that I simply forgot about. God always provides for my needs. It’s never been as dire as I fear. I’m absolutely certain that God could not care less about what I’m wearing on my body, what I’m driving, what’s in my bank account, etc. He does care about the compassion and love I show to people, the way I represent Him in this world, and how responsible and hard-working I am. His opinion of me as His lovely daughter will never hinge on what I look like, and will always rely on the kind person I am and how I behave.

That is what I am thankful for. Of course I still hope to present myself in a decent way to the world, but I know that God will always love me even if my only clothing is a brown sack. And I don’t want to say that I’m better than this girl on tv because I’m more practical with my money and don’t care about labels. But I can say that I bet I’m happier than her because of this difference between us. My opinion of myself will never be altered because my pants were only $15.

Much love,

Amanda

Day 5!

“It makes me very sad to hear women making jokes that are negative jokes, or sarcastic, or put-down lines about their husbands. And they all laugh, but it’s not right. She’s not being trustworthy. She’s not being faithful. She’s not being loyal.”

As you may know, as part of my Christian half of my journey in improving my self-esteem, I have signed up for a daily email to help me renew myself in what it means to be a woman of God. The above paragraph was recently in one of the readings, and it rings so true for me.

Last year, when I was doing nanny work, I was at an Early Years Centre for playgroup with the baby, and I heard these women talking. They were talking about their husbands, and they were doing exactly what the paragraph above describes. Too much time has passed for me to remember exactly what they were saying, but I recall many complaints, along the lines of him coming home and wondering why nothing had ever gotten done, and one of the women wanting to say, if you want it done, just do it your own damn self. This made me very sad. First of all, it begs the question…if he pisses you off so much, why did you marry him? Second…why are you talking about your marital issues in public with your friend, where at least 4 other adults can hear you? Third…why don’t you do anything all day?

I’d like to disclaim that I don’t believe in the ‘Superwoman’ model society promotes today. The idea that a woman with a full-time job can do that and then come home and have a perfect home with everything tidy and in place is just not possible. Something has to give. And honestly, if that were me, I’d rather have an untidy home and be able to spend time with my family than care about dishes getting done right away.

HOWEVER. If you are home all day, I do believe that there is some kind of obligation to at least try to get chores done. I won’t be able to work right away after moving down to Texas, and since I won’t have children yet, I intend to use all that free time to set up our household. I will unpack things, do all the post wedding crap, cook, clean, organize, etc. I feel like, if Daric is going to be our primary breadwinner at that point (and all of this extends to when we have children, since if we can afford it, I want to stay home and raise the children), then I need to do all I can to make our home life smooth and comfortable. And really…even once you have children and have slightly less time, I believe that there is a way to get everything done that needs to be done. If your husband is busting his ass 40-50 hours a week so you can stay home with your kids, you should be doing the same at home. Being a stay at home mom isn’t a vacation. Or a reason for being lazy. It’s a job. It is work.

Most of what bothered me about hearing these women bitch and moan about their husband’s is that it was so disrespectful. Never mind why they can’t keep their homes clean enough, which also devalues him and your life together. If they had a problem with something their husband said to them, then a baby playgroup is not the place to air that. It doesn’t honour him. It doesn’t respect him. It doesn’t build him up. It makes him out to be a jackass. When I think of the times I’ve felt like that because other people have insulted me in public, I can’t ever imagine doing the same to my husband. It devalues your commitment, and it’s so selfish.

I so want to give Daric only the best of me. I know I’ll have my moments, but I also know that acting like those women is one of the worst things I can do as a wife. I know I wouldn’t do it, but I also pray that God will continue to shape me into a Proverbs 21-esque woman so that I will have the strength to resist keeping my mouth shut to Daric and instead opening it to people who shouldn’t hear about it when I have an issue.

On an unrelated note, I must give a shout-out to one of my incredible friends today. She has been sober for two years today, and I am unbelievably inspired by her. She doesn’t know it, but she was a factor in me starting this whole self-improvement journey, and I think that she’s just amazing. She has shown me that perseverance is worth it, and that making yourself better is something that goes on forever and never ends. I know she’s going to be successful, and I am so proud to call her my friend. I <3 you Jen.

Much love,

Amanda

Day 4-ish

Ok, so I missed posting yesterday. But, I had plenty of insights, and this time into my own body image journey.

The first thing is this: I weighed myself, thinking that maybe I'd lost something, because I seemed fitter than last week. But I had no change. So this got me thinking, as I am slightly apt to do.

My ultimate weight loss goal was 50 pounds. That's about 6 pounds less than I am now. I have been trying to lose this 6 pounds for a good 6 months. And it's not happening. No matter how hard I work out, no matter how much I restrict my calories, it just never happens. But my body changes. And I stay the same weight. So, I have decided that the weight and body type I am right now is what I'm supposed to be. It's the way God designed me to be. There are still a couple things I'd like to streamline, like building more muscle and losing more fat on my upper thighs (yes, I know nobody sees them, but I do, and I don't want them jiggly). Long story short, I've decided to stop putting the focus on losing weight, and putting the focus on making my body stronger.

And honestly, I do like the way my body is now. I like my curves, and I like the muscle tone, and I think it's really not all that bad. It also helps that Daric thinks I'm beautiful :)

I also, for the first time since high school, wore a bikini in front of other people yesterday. It was great. I felt really good about myself, and I'm happy that I took that step. Yes, my body isn't perfect, but I'm still attractive, and I felt good so that's what's important. That was a pretty big step for me, and I'm glad I overcame it.

I guess that overcoming your fears is a choice that you make. That seems like the understatement of the year, but it's true. Like I was saying to Daric the other day, all the stuff I write in here about this journey make seem pretty obvious to some people. But I think that everyone needs to actually learn and experience these obvious things in order to really own them and live them out.

I'll write about Day 5 later. :)

Much love,
Amanda

Day 3

So, Day 3 didn’t start out that great. My allergies have been bugging me a lot lately, and they make me quite tired. Especially since I can’t sleep if I can’t breathe. Breathing is important. And when I get tired, I tend to get extra frustrated with myself. Note the use of the word ‘extra’. Because really, I am normally frustrated with myself. Very easily. I tend to forget things pretty easily. Like, for instance, yesterday I forgot my dinner at home and had to go back for it. Which in turn made me late for work, another thing that frustrates me, because it happens all the time, due to my lack of remembering things. Plus, as I realized last night, I had thought about what I was going to eat yesterday, but forgot about today, yet another day I’m in the box office alone for awhile. So my lunch consisted of a cold, 2 hours old bagel with cream cheese from Tim Hortons. It’s still food, but it’s not the best lunch ever. I planned to make something before I left for work this morning, but guess what? I forgot.

I also tend to misplace things a lot or just fail to put them back in the proper spot. My favourite/most annoying example of this is how I like to pile my clothes on the back of my desk chair instead of putting them away after I’m done with them. So I frantically try to figure out where my blue sweater is on the morning I want it, only to have to sift through 7 different piles of clothing to find it.

Oftentimes, I say that ‘I hate being myself’. Yes, this is terrible. I don’t say it because I hate myself, but being myself can be very frustrating. I can’t seem to remember things at all, or be organized at all, no matter how hard I try. I’m hoping that once Daric and I are living together and I actually have enough space to put my things, this will improve. I don’t honestly see how it can get worse. My whole life is crammed into one room with two cats and too much stuff.

Maybe the problem isn’t me. Maybe it’s my life. My life is not what I want it to be. Not yet anyways. I mean, I found a wonderful, amazing man who loves me more than anything, but he’s stuck in a sandpit of doom halfway around the world. My everyday life is made better by having him, but it’s still what it’s always been. It will soon be what I want it to be, and if I can just hold out for another few months, I’ll get to it. And I’ll have an apartment to put all my (our) crap into. And organize the heck out of it. As much as I can’t wait for that, I will never resent him for doing what he’s doing. He loves it, and he’s brave. And I know that waiting for that everyday life we want will make it so much sweeter. Plus, he definitely has it worse. CHUs are not the Hilton.

Speaking of him…well, to put it mildly, he likes to buy me things. I say I’d like to have something, and he’s all “You’ll have it in a week.” He loves to buy me gifts, and wants to provide for me. And yet, this morning when I said I wanted something and he wanted to buy it for me, I told him no. I thought, it’s too expensive. I don’t deserve it. I need to earn it. And then I thought about that and realized something. That it’s bullshit. I wouldn’t allow my amazing husband to buy me something that I have wanted for a while, all because I don’t feel worthy of it? A thought that brings me back to my self-esteem. Why do I feel like I have to be worthy of a gift from my husband? Beyond him thinking I deserve it and wanting to buy it for me, I shouldn’t need a reason. I actually prevented him from showing me love because of my own sense of devalued worth. What kind of person does that make me? I’m sure there’s a nicer way of saying ‘a huge bitch’, but I’m not creative enough to come up with it. So, I’m going to force myself to apologize and ask him if he still wants to buy it for me, and let him. I give myself the excuse of not wanting to take advantage of him and his kindness and love, but he says he knows I won’t, and I’m not that kind of person. So by saying that, I’m actually covering up my own low self-esteem by making myself seem like I’m denying him buying things for me for his own good, when it’s really because of my own crappiness. Not good for a relationship. Not good for a self-esteem. I won’t do it anymore. I wonder how else people cover up their low self-esteem by pretending they’re actually doing something to help/save/respect/(fill-in-the-blank) another person instead.

I know one thing…denying my husband’s attempts to show me affection is not good for either of us. And so it ends.

Since I’m at work, I can’t access my email to see what my assignment is for learning about the Proverbs 31 woman today. I might post on it later. This, I just needed to get off my mind.

Much love,

Amanda

Day Two

Ok. Day two.

I didn’t really know what I was going to focus on today when I woke up this morning, but it came to me later tonight.

My secular half has chosen to focus itself on the idea that being kind to others, stopping myself from judging them, and refusing to think negative things about them, will boost my self-esteem.

To the immature fools in us, this is counterintuitive. We DO judge others, and we DO think negative things about them, and we come up with many reasons why we’re better than them, and this boosts our self-esteem. Until it doesn’t. This is all very high school. I’m better than you because I have more money. I’m better than you because I have better clothes. I’m better than you because I’m skinnier…more athletic…popular…smarter…funnier…

I got all of the above in high school. Except skinny. I was the skinny one…and athletic, because of dancing. My prom dress was a size 2. Somehow, I feel like if I can get back to that, I’ll be all happy and rainbows and sunshine and whatever. But today at work, I looked in the mirror, and thought, “damn I look good today. My body is perfect.” That’s a big step for me, and that is good, because I am definitely not a size 2 anymore, and I’m still happy with myself. Hopefully I can stay happy when I have PMS and am bloated all huge and…bloaty-like.

Back to my point. I’m sick of the high school way of thinking of myself vs. other people. I don’t want to be in high school again. It sucked. I want to be what I am. 24 (and a half!), a grown-up woman, getting married, working on getting the life I’ve always wanted. I’ve always said I don’t care what other people think, but that’s a lie. I do care, so instead of allowing myself to think of all the ways they could judge me, I judge them first. I am admitting it. I judge other people. I judge their clothes, I judge the way they look, I judge the way they talk…and the list goes on. I’m not going to lie and say I don’t do it, because I don’t lie. In order to fix myself, I need to focus on the parts that actually are ugly too.

Stopping myself from judging and looking down on others will help me feel better about myself. There are lots of people out there who treat life as a giant competition, all to see who is more or less of whatever than whomever. I don’t want to compete like that. If I did, I’d be in a beauty pageant. But this is not a beauty pageant, it’s my life. And it’s easier to change my way of thinking than to change how this crazy society of ours works. I found today that if I’m not judging others, I’m freer to be nicer to them, and that allows me to be who I really am. If I’m not criticizing them, I don’t criticize myself. Not judging others based on how they look means I don’t do it to myself. Not judging others based on how they look frees me to be happier, and allows them to be themselves to me. I don’t know where this knowledge will lead me,  but right now it’s helping me to love myself and other people better. Which is what Jesus wants from me. Which leads me to the next part…

My Christian journey today took me into a deeper realization of who the Proverbs 31 woman is. Truth is, she’s just a normal woman, like me, on a path. All the things she does and is…they didn’t become a part of her overnight. She worked a lot to get there. And she has struggles, still. Just like we all do and always will.

It’s awesome to realize that a real woman can still be held up as an example to follow from God. He doesn’t want perfection from us. Not yet. That’s what happens in Heaven. He just wants us to try. But we can’t try without Him. We need Jesus in order to become this woman, and Jesus will lead us down the right path in order to make us into who He needs us to be. Becoming a woman of God does not happen overnight. It took me years to truly understand His love and what it means to be His daughter. It will take a long time for me to become like this woman, and I can only do it with the help of Jesus in my heart.

Tonight I’m going to take a good look at the Proverbs 31 woman and identify what parts of it I’m on the way to becoming. That will help me recognize better what God is teaching me when He is.

Today was a really good day. I look forward to what tomorrow brings.

Much love,

Amanda

Day One!

Today was my first day of my self-esteem makeover, and I’ve got to say, so far I’m doing pretty good. I haven’t had that many negative thoughts about myself, and when I have, I have forced myself to stop right away. Things that have brought down my view of myself in the past are merely frustrating me, instead of making me think less of myself. I guess making the conscious decision to improve my self-esteem, all by itself has already started to improve it.

My two activities today were fairly simple. The secular part of my journey has started with two lists: one with the things I like about myself, and one with the things I like about my body. The latter isn’t only about how my body looks, but how it functions as well. I’m not going to share these lists with you, but I do recommend the activity, if only to force you to think only positive things about yourself. I might eventually make a list of things I want to change about myself, but not until my journey here is done.

The Christian part of my journey involves a blog called TrueWoman.com. On it, they offer a complete 30-day makeover sent to you each day by email, and containing Biblical wisdom and teachings. The first day started with an introduction to the Proverbs 31 woman, something I have always been interested in. I have always seen her as a source of inspiration, something to strive towards. I have read that other women don’t like this example as they see it too difficult to achieve, but I disagree. It gives me a Biblical standard and example to follow, which is exactly what I want. So, I read through the passage again, and I decided to start with identifying the things in the Proverbs 31 woman that I see in myself.  I see things like ‘hard-working’, ‘strong’, ‘generous’, and I know I am those things. So, that makes me feel good about myself, because I know I’m on the right track to becoming a woman that God is even more proud of, and that my husband will be even more proud of. Part of this whole journey is to make myself into someone who can bless our marriage and keep it strong, instead of weakening it because of the negative thoughts that fill my head. I also love the part of Proverbs 31 where it says that her husband praises her. I haven’t yet done much for Daric, but he does this all the time. And for that, I am grateful, because it fulfills this feminine need in me to be loved and cherished. He is so loving towards me, and it just makes me smile and makes my heart warm.

My plan with Proverbs 31 is to read it everyday for 31 days, and allow God to inspire me through it. I’m sure there are multiple ways to become and live out the things in this passage, and I want God to show me how I can fulfill them for Him and my husband and our eventual family. I hope to share my different insights as I learn more.

For the rest of the week on my secular journey, I plan to focus on the things I have listed as what I like about myself, and add to the list if I can. I plan to stop negative self-talk as soon as it appears. For my Christian part, I’ll just keep following the emails that TrueWoman sends me, and letting God inspire me about the kind of woman He wants me to be.

So far, so good :)

Much love,

Amanda

on self-esteem.

As Daric and I get closer to our wedding date, I’ve been wanting to do a lot of preparing myself for marriage. I can’t wait to be his wife, and I want so much to ensure that our marriage will be strong and intimate and protected. My worst fear, as he is well aware of by now, is infidelity.

My life has been full of abandonments, both slight and devastating. Before I was born, my life had experience abandonment by my biological father. Many people will think that getting over a father you never had would be easy, but it’s not, because as you look around at all the other families that have one, you realize what you miss. God stepped in, and did so much, and then put my stepdad in that position, and I have and will ever be grateful for that. Still…the abandonment there can be like a scab. You pick/think about it, and it opens, but if you leave it, it will heal. Until you pick it again. It’s mostly healed now, but it’s kind of a scar now.

Other people have come and gone. But because of my original experience with abandonment, those comings and goings have affected me pretty deeply. The lack of caring about feelings, people not willing to try to heal broken things, pretending like everything is ok when it’s not. These are things I have experienced in situations out of my control, but my marriage is not out of my control, and I will not have them creep in and destroy us. Because these things lead to my greatest fear. And we’re back to infidelity.

I don’t pretend I don’t have these fears, and I tell Daric, and he lovingly says…it’s not going to happen. Don’t worry about it. Relax.

And I believe him, but that fear is there, not like a scab, but an open wound. I think and think and see that at the root of it all? I don’t think I’m worthy of the love he has given me. It’s a simple, powerful love. It has changed me and made me happier than I ever thought I could be. It has given me goals and purpose, and a dream come true. All through Daric, right from God. And my greatest fear is to lose it. And the easiest way for me to think of that happening is for him to wake up one day, look at me, and decide…she’s so not worth giving up all the excitement I had. And he says, NO. I don’t think you’re boring, and I am willingly and gladly giving up all of that to wake up next to you, my love. But my fear persists.

So I know I need to stop my fear in order for my marriage to be unplagued by my self-doubt. So I think about self-esteem. What does it mean? How do I improve mine? Why do I think so little of myself in the first place?

I have many reasons to why I think of myself as unworthy. The main one is media. The other is how I see myself and my life. And other little reasons about what people have said to me in the past, the way they’ve treated me. I’m apparently very sensitive.

So, in order to safeguard my marriage, I realize I need to shut off this voice in my head. So, I’m making a concentrated effort. Over the next 5 weeks, I’ll be undertaking a complete self-esteem makeover. It will be partly focused on secular things: the media, how it affects me, how I feel about myself and why. How I can change my self-image to be more positive and confident. Rule #1: I am not allowed to weigh myself more than once a week. I have lost almost 45 pounds over the last year and a half. Why is that not enough for me? I don’t know yet. I’ll find out.

The other half of my makeover will involve God. What does He think of me? What does He expect from me as a woman? What does beauty and worth mean to Him? What does a real woman look like to Him? How can He help me heal my self-thoughts and free me from these chains?

Although my blog is usually reserved for my creative writing, I am putting this all in here, and hopefully will update everyday. I choose to put this in here because two questions I have been wondering are: Why don’t we talk about this problem? When does it stop?

I want this self-image problem to stop with me. I don’t want my sons thinking all women are insecure spazzes. And I especially don’t ever want my daughters to feel this way.

And I also hope that what I learn will help other women. It’s time that we break free of the media’s expectations of us, and live up to our own, and if applicable to our lives, God’s expectations of and desires for us.

Much love,

Amanda

if you understand the feelings distance creates.

when i was in the second grade, i got punched in the stomach by a boy.

being apart from the one you should be with is like suffering an emotional punch in the stomach everyday. or punch in the soul. or both.

i see that not everyone understands the tumultuous feelings that come with such an arrangement.

perhaps if everyone was forced to spend time separated by distance from their true mate they wouldn’t take them for granted or fight as much. they would hold hands more or remember to say ‘i love you’ each morning as they parted.

a simple task can become mostly unbearable.

a shopping trip can come to a swift and bittersweet end as you stand in a store being caught off guard as you realize that ‘marry me’ by train is playing on the overhead radio and that this mundane task would be beyond incredible if only you were holding hands with your husband (-to-be…although such a distinction is one i make for the picky who may read this and not one i make in my mind).

you stand in the store, holding a skirt, hearing the song. a song you love and listen to often while thinking of your love. holding back tears the only way you know how…deep breaths and the desire to not have everyone staring at you. what kind of woman cries while shopping?

i do. i also cry in restaurants and at work and in the shower and to myself at night while falling asleep. or trying to. my heart soars when i see wedding ads. my heart cringes when i see someone wearing camo. my heart hurts when i think of distance and 100 days left. my heart smiles when i look down at my sparkly keepsake, a reminder that he will come home and we will be together, inseparable.

people make jokes that say, you miss her now, but wait until you have to see her everyday. and he says, it’s never gonna happen. i will never take you for granted and i will always cherish you.

he says, i can’t see what you’re wearing today or how your hair looks, but you’re beautiful to me everyday. when you feel bad because you’re bloated or that the pants you know are your size in a store don’t fit, you are upset, but you think of him standing right there, telling you, you’re beautiful no matter what.

you imagine him next to you in your car, at home on the couch, walking down the street.

did you know that the simplest activities of everyday life become extraordinary because the one you love is by your side?

i didn’t, but i do now.

he says, this will be the most difficult thing we ever have to go through, and don’t give up, because we’re almost there. it’s already halfway through june. it’s going to be ok. i’ll always be there when you cry after all this is over.

you look forward to celebrating being a bride with your friends, but are aware that you will probably break down and cry sometime between present openings.

i don’t know how many people know these things, but i wish more did. it would be easier to suffer. misery loves company and such. my only company is still my best friend, separated from me by 7 hours of time difference and a big ocean and lots of sand.

i wonder how quickly 100 days can come and go. if God has mercy on us, the answer is very.

about memories.

I think of you as next to me.

I talk to you and think of what you would say back.

I imagine your touch on my face.

I dream of your kiss.

I remember the moments we shared.

My Heart hurts that you’re so far.

It screams out for you to come back.

“You shouldn’t be so far away. Please…”

My Mind remembers your smell.

The sound of your voice.

Your intricacies and movements.

Mind wants to experience them again.

My Hands wish to touch you.

To feel your arms around me.

My Soul wants it’s mate back.

My Eyes think of everything the rest of Me wants, and flow tears.