being invisible.

i’m sick of being your second choice. i don’t want to be your back-up plan. i’m not ‘good enough’ for now. i’m tired of people looking through me and not at me. i’m not here for you until something better comes along. it’s not, ‘oh amanda will still be there when i’m bored, so just forget about her for now’.

i’m done with being ignored and abandoned and passed over.

you’re just like everyone else.

and you just don’t care.

why do i try so hard? it doesn’t matter.

but i matter.

about how Jesus makes me a better rebel.

all my life, i've been somewhat of a rebel. not in big things that matter, mind you. but in small ways. you want me to sit? i'd rather stand, thanks. you want me to repeat after you? these lips are zipped. you say white, i say black. and so it goes. 

i can't say exactly why i'm like this. because if you're reading this, you probably know that in general, i'm fairly reliable, and i do tend to follow as many rules as i can. but something about someone ordering me around, having expectations of me about things that just don't matter...i don't like it. 

when i was younger, everyone told me that one day i would get married. so i said i wouldn't. and they all said, oh no, you'll be the first one to get married. 

i wasn't. 

now that nobody cares, i really would like to be married. 

i hope you're seeing the pattern here. 

i'm going to make a wild assumption here and guess that if Jesus had never entered my soul and polished me up a bit, i would be a very different rebel. it's interesting to look at the people around me who don't know Jesus and see how their lives have turned out and how mine might have. not that there's anything wrong with your life if you don't know Jesus, it's just so foreign from my experience that i don't really get it. 

i think that if i hadn't started to rebel from society's expectations on my own, then i probably would have done a lot more things i would now regret. but somehow, these days, knowing Jesus makes rebellion against the expectations so much sweeter. unlike so many other 20-somethings, i don't go out, get drunk, and do whatever it is they do with the opposite sex afterwards. (ok, i know what they do, i just didn't want to type it out). i feel like people expect this behaviour from me, so i don't give in, and knowing Jesus would approve of that decision makes it easier. 

the whole thing about following Jesus (not necessarily being a 'Christian', because there are plenty of 'Christians' that don't act like Jesus), is that it's a natural rebellion. your whole life is centred around defying society's expectations. the over-arching 'they' in our society expects you to act a certain way at a certain point, and to have certain opinions and to give in to certain things. and when you don't, they get mad. i find it best to say nothing about these things if nobody asks, but if they do, and i have to open my mouth and give my opinion, chances are, if you're an average non-Christian, you're not going to like what i have to say. quite frankly, i don't care. that's kind of the whole point of being a rebel. 

but being a rebel for Christ is easier. i just point to Him. i don't like certain things because He made me not like them. i don't do certain things because He won't let me. and somehow, people think that because it's for Jesus, you're crazy anyways, so why don't we just leave her alone. 

it's interesting how Jesus can make your weak points into strong points. i used to just be a rebel for the sake of upending people's expectations. now i'm a rebel because Jesus was one, and i'm following His example. Hopefully, we can use this rebellious spirit to make the world a better place. 

He can take your weaknesses and make them into strengths too. it would be interesting to see what your life would be like after He did. i speak from experience when i tell you that it will be better than you can imagine. being for Christ is the easiest thing i do, and my life is better for it. 

about the fact that i exist and matter whether you think so or not.

on my commute home today, i was completely disrespected.

how, you might wonder, if i was alone, was i so utterly dissed?

by another driver.

see, when you cut someone off purely because you don’t want them to be in front of you, that’s disrespect.

i was coming down the highway, going a little faster than the people in the slow lane (because i was in the fast lane…that’s how these things work). the slow lane is going to end in about 400 metres, and the truck i am passing, cuts me off. not only did i have to hit the brakes, but i hit the horn. i resisted the urge to give him a glimpse of my beautiful middle finger.

i had plenty of room to pass this guy before his lane ended. Plenty. Did I mention I had PLENTY of room to pass??

i never would have even thought about passing had i not enough time before his lane ended. that’s the kind of person i am. the nice kind. that tries not to kill people.

and yet he cuts me off. the only reason i can think of for him doing this is because he just didn’t want me to pass him. never mind that i was going faster, and he had enough room to merge behind me.

you may wonder why i care so much, because i know that this is a little dramatic. 

besides the fact that my life was put in danger because of some dude’s ego?

it’s the fact that i exist. i matter. i’m a human being. i have intrinsic worth. and you think you’re so much more important than me because why? because you don’t want to be behind me in traffic?

that is not isolated to driving in our society. people no longer feel like they need to say ‘please’ and ‘thank you’. disrespect. not holding the door open for others if you’re perfectly able to and the other person might need it? disrespect. littering? not parking properly? peeing in public (an epidemic in my town apparently)? and a million other things. yuck. disrespect makes me sick to my stomach.

God made us all in His image. we owe it to Him and each other to have basic manners, treating each other like hey! i care about you because you’re a human being. going out of your way to make another person feel cared about is not a chore. it’s an honour. it makes you beautiful from the inside out. do it. 

why others get to be real, but i don't?

why don’t people listen and understand? is one not allowed to wonder aloud on things without people assuming the worst and trying to fix things? i am sick of people trying to fix me when there’s nothing wrong. just because one questions something doesn’t mean that they are in danger of falling. falling to what i’m not sure, but it must be something, for those who fear the questions quickly put a stop to them. is questioning not to figure out the world? there is nothing wrong with this. to understand the nature of the world and others is a noble pursuit, especially for a Christian assuming to sovereignty of God. will not the questions lead to a better way of communicating God? when one is born again, the birth does not come with all the knowledge one will need for the rest of their life. as a baby develops, so must a baby Christian after the new birth. the simplistic becomes more complex, deeper, intricate. this questioning need not lead to a crisis, or a rejection of the one true God. the truth of Him, once sealed in, never leaves, and all other truths are subject to it.

no, the questioning is beneficial and may even lead to an aha! where one teeters on the brink of a new understanding, grabs at it, and falls over the edge, exhilarated that the peace of new truth has overtaken them.

perhaps it is that i choose to make my wonderings public that others don’t like. it seems that if it’s out there, and they see something of themselves in it, the fear becomes that others may see it too, and this would lead to embarrassment. however, this fear is unfounded, for most truths about ourselves are hidden, so if you do see yourself in these writings, perhaps you should try to fix your perceived flaws instead of wasting your energy on fixing me.

because really, i do need fixing. but not as a result of these words i write. the repairs i need done are known by their Repairman, and He works on them slowly.

these posts are done breathlessly, by tired arms and an even more tired mind. i have coached myself to keep my wonderings in, for people do try to fix me. but it seems that the pain of people not seeing who i really am is more ridiculous than fending off their fix-it moments. i write these words not for attention or to subtly elicit your help. i write them because i tire of hiding in the shadows, afraid of what you really would think of me if you knew the truth. what kind of life is that? how can i do God’s work when i am not being who He made me to be in front of everyone? hiding myself dishonours Him and i will no longer have a part in that.

and as always, i’m fine…i’m just wondering.

...about other people.

I don’t want to believe that I’ve been naïve up until this point in my life, but I fear I have. 23 years old and not a clue. And all this time I thought I could see things the way they are, but I can’t. I know so little.

I always thought that people saw the world the way I do. That following the rules and making concessions so that others could be comfortable and pleased was the way every other person acted. But I realize now that I was so wrong. The average person does not think like that. The average person thinks…like a cat. My cat Lucy is still a kitten. And she wants to go eat this, and play with that, and go up there, where it’s dangerous. But those things are not wise. The average adult thinks the same way. I want this, this is my right, I don’t care what you think or how you feel.

I say these things not to be a fatalist, or all depressed about the world, but because it’s how I see it. I used to think that people had my best interests at heart and care about how their actions would be felt by me, but I see that that is, unfortunately, no guarantee. Even the people you have known for a long time, who you assume know you and care about you, can hurt you, and sometimes, they do more than the strangers passing you by on the street. A customer may be mad at me, but as soon as he walks away, I, most likely, will never have to see him again. However, when a person I see on a more regular basis does something to offend me, I am confronted with it each time I see them. It carries with them, and if I think too much about that person, I will remember their follies and offences against me.

I do not think it too much to ask that people care about what I am feeling. I am not suggesting that this take up any extra amounts of your time, or any time at all. Merely saying things a little more tactfully would be enough for me. If anything, we should be more gentle to the people we know the best, although in general society we assume that knowing someone well means that we can be of the utmost frankness with them, and we can…in a kind manner. I don’t understand how people can be frank and rude to the people they know. How does this help you manage in your daily life? If you are constantly rude to a friend, employee, the person who pours your coffee every morning at Tim’s…or anyone else you see on a regular basis, one day this person will probably get sick of it. The person will then refuse to hang out with you, quit their job, or start spitting in your coffee. Is that the kind of difficulty (and inevitable flu-like sickness) you wish to bring upon yourself? Not to say it is all your fault (the coffee person is totally a jerk for doing that to you), but surely you could have been nicer, more appreciative, conceding to meet your friend in the circumstances they want you to, or foregoing something you wanted to do so that they could do something they wanted to do? This is all in the name of mere cordiality, not to mention simply being a decent social companion or acquaintance.

The bible tells me that fellowship with others is a good thing. With other Christians, it is essential to my spiritual life. And being with others who are not Christians give me a chance to see the world how it really is, and to show them Christ’s love. I cannot only hang out with Christians, lest my view on the world become one-dimensional, and I fail to be able to connect to others whose realm is outside that of ‘Christian Culture’, whatever that is. However hard I try though, it seems that I simply cannot make this fellowship happen, in either sphere of the types of people I know. I try this, I try that, and I fail. Perhaps I am not trying hard enough? Perhaps I am annoying. Maybe I smell. I don’t know. But for years it has seemed to me that I am destined to live out my days on my own. I go to movies on my own, I go on daytrips on my own, I go for hikes and bikes and classes. All by myself. It seems to me that if Jesus wanted me to be with people, He could maybe help me out a bit? I’ve tried doing it on my own, but I propose something, get shot down, and get invited to something that I would definitely not do for fear of my spiritual health going down in flames. Why is it that I always have to make concessions for others? I shouldn’t have to. Being selfish is wrong, but for once, I would like someone to take a hint. Some people do know that I don’t do certain things. For instance, it was once suggested at one of my jobs, during passing conversations, that would I perhaps be hung over after a certain event? My manager proceeded to inform the other person with a laugh that no, Amanda does not drink, so she would not be hung over. Of course it is true. So people know me, but some of them just can’t take a hint.

Well I suppose I will be on my own. To many people that will sound sad, but really I’m used to it by now. And you may sit there and think, “Why is she writing this? Am I supposed to feel bad for her? Should I write some kind of encouraging comment about how one day she’ll find a good husband and never be alone or how there are people who truly love her, or that if she just keeps on trying, she’ll make good friends who actually care about what she likes and actually understand her?” Please, for the love of penguins, don’t. I write this not because I want your pity or your pithy comments. I just wanted to share my thoughts. Sometimes there are just wonderings in your head you have to wonder about out loud. I am fine…I’m just wondering.