why don’t people listen and understand? is one not allowed to wonder aloud on things without people assuming the worst and trying to fix things? i am sick of people trying to fix me when there’s nothing wrong. just because one questions something doesn’t mean that they are in danger of falling. falling to what i’m not sure, but it must be something, for those who fear the questions quickly put a stop to them. is questioning not to figure out the world? there is nothing wrong with this. to understand the nature of the world and others is a noble pursuit, especially for a Christian assuming to sovereignty of God. will not the questions lead to a better way of communicating God? when one is born again, the birth does not come with all the knowledge one will need for the rest of their life. as a baby develops, so must a baby Christian after the new birth. the simplistic becomes more complex, deeper, intricate. this questioning need not lead to a crisis, or a rejection of the one true God. the truth of Him, once sealed in, never leaves, and all other truths are subject to it.
no, the questioning is beneficial and may even lead to an aha! where one teeters on the brink of a new understanding, grabs at it, and falls over the edge, exhilarated that the peace of new truth has overtaken them.
perhaps it is that i choose to make my wonderings public that others don’t like. it seems that if it’s out there, and they see something of themselves in it, the fear becomes that others may see it too, and this would lead to embarrassment. however, this fear is unfounded, for most truths about ourselves are hidden, so if you do see yourself in these writings, perhaps you should try to fix your perceived flaws instead of wasting your energy on fixing me.
because really, i do need fixing. but not as a result of these words i write. the repairs i need done are known by their Repairman, and He works on them slowly.
these posts are done breathlessly, by tired arms and an even more tired mind. i have coached myself to keep my wonderings in, for people do try to fix me. but it seems that the pain of people not seeing who i really am is more ridiculous than fending off their fix-it moments. i write these words not for attention or to subtly elicit your help. i write them because i tire of hiding in the shadows, afraid of what you really would think of me if you knew the truth. what kind of life is that? how can i do God’s work when i am not being who He made me to be in front of everyone? hiding myself dishonours Him and i will no longer have a part in that.
and as always, i’m fine…i’m just wondering.
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