It's been a day of fatigue and chores and coffee and rushing and wanting to sleep longer and I thought he was ready to go to bed but he wasn't.
I should've known better but my migraine was nagging at me that I needed a break, to lay down in the dark, and forget about everything and just get some rest.
He had yawned so I thought it would be ok but i was mistaken. And as I tried bouncing him to sleep I couldn't get him to stop rubbing his face and talking out loud and I gave up. I put him down and walked away.
He followed me, screaming, and eventually found me on the couch, next to the dog, desperately trying to make the pain go away. He raised his arms and I pulled him into my lap.
A smile lit up his tear-stained face and he gave me big sloppy kisses. And I hugged him and cried and said I was sorry. And he gave me more wet kisses and we laughed and all is right in mama's arms.
How confusing and scary things must be when you don't know why your world has walked away. These big emotions, these are mine, not his father's. He got his dad's big brown eyes and his mama's big crazy emotions. I never understood what it was like to be me until I saw it in someone else. I never knew how big those feelings were until I realized I'd have to teach him how to live with them like I have learned to.
I never knew I could learn so much from such a tiny person until I saw the instant forgiveness, the unconditional love, the unmitigated need to be with someone.
I hope he doesn't become as jaded by the world as I have been. This has always been my prayer for my children, that they remain realistic but in awe, guarding their optimism. My husband has slowly brought me back from the land of the jaded and surly and his son continues this work. I never thought parenting would be this difficult but I'd hoped it would be this beautiful.
His tiny little hands in mine, his slobbery mouth on my face, his arms around my neck all heal wounds and give me purpose.
And when he seeks me out to give me kisses even when I've walked away, he redeems me.
