Day something.

So, I haven't been writing as often in the last couple days. I've been pretty busy, starting a new job, which has been great so far.

However, I do have some observations, and they mostly come with information from my past.

I'd say I spent a good chunk of my life alone in myself with depression. Most people would disagree with that, but most people can't see into your soul. After a while of having yourself ignored, you learn to hide yourself deep enough to ensure that nobody figures out that something is wrong. I have become a master at this. I could be dying inside and you would never know.

When I was in counselling for my depression after I hit rock bottom, my counsellor told me that depression is a spiral downwards, but it's also a spiral back up.

A big part of my journey out of depression was to learn to rely on myself and see myself as a worthwhile person. It took a long time, but I did that. Obviously not tons and tons, considering I've recently felt the need to boost my self-esteem.

Having felt ignored most of my life, I now hate it when I feel like people are ignoring me. It really nags on me and drags down my feelings about myself. I know that people don't intentionally ignore me, and they probably don't feel like they are, and I'm sure I have no reason to think they are.

After struggling with depression for so long though, I feel like I have extra insight to how people can help others feel good about themselves. And my most pressing advice would be to never ignore someone because you feel awkward, or that they're not worth your time, or because you just don't want to deal with them. Some words, or lack thereof, can make or break someone. I've heard stories of someone wanting to take their own lives, and they give it one more day, for just one person to convince them that not all is lost, and that they have worth, and sometimes that person that saves them from themselves doesn't even know what they've done until it's done, but it happened because they cared. That is so important. Just caring.

Unfortunately, depression is never something that you shake for the rest of your life. I'll be fine for a while, and then all of a sudden, things come crashing down, in my mind, and then I start wigging out. Not even getting a new job cures it.

I will say this though: taking care of children is my purpose in life, and I find that when I'm filling that purpose, I can't think about myself. Maybe that's why I work so much. Maybe it's why I shove my life full of 60 hour work weeks and 4 hours naps. Sometimes, being awake and not busy enough is just too damn painful. So, I accept that in life, I will be doomed to randomly thinking terrible things about myself. I snap out of it eventually, but I can't stop it myself. That's the problem with brain chemistry. I have no solutions to this problem, and it kills me, but it's part of my lot in life I guess. Every time it happens, I just have to get through it. But there are lots of things like that in life, and it all changes and/or gets better eventually.

Day 6

“And why are you anxious about clothing? Consider the lilies of the field, how they grow: they neither toil nor spin, yet I tell you, even Solomon in all his glory was not arrayed like one of these. But if God so clothes the grass of the field, which today is alive and tomorrow is thrown into the oven, will he not much more clothe you, O you of little faith? Therefore do not be anxious, saying, 'What shall we eat?' or 'What shall we drink?' or 'What shall we wear?' For the Gentiles seek after all these things, and your heavenly Father knows that you need them all. But seek first the kingdom of God and his righteousness, and all these things will be added to you.”

                                                          -Matthew 6:28-33

Yesterday I went shopping with a good friend. Now that I’ve decided to stop trying to lost weight, I’d like to start buying some more high-quality clothing that I love that will last me for a long time, and help me be motivated to maintain my current weight. However, given that I am stuck to one part-time job for now, I can’t really buy anything at all. Of course, my wonderful fiancé does buy me things, but there are still things he can’t buy me because he’s so far away. Plus, that I can’t provide for myself is very frustrating.

I guess this blog post combines my secular and Christian journeys for this day. I want to look good for my own self-esteem, plus for my husband because he deserves it. It’s one thing to lounge around in sweats with him all day, but it’s another to go out looking like that when I’m on his arm, out in public. Plus, if I look good for myself, I will feel better about myself. Since I’ve decided to stop trying to lose weight, if I look good, I will feel better about that decision.

The secular part of me wants to buy pretty things. The Christian part says that what makes me beautiful is not what I’m wearing.

When I was younger, people would tell me that I’m beautiful. I agree with them, but part of me thought that that was the only part of me that was worthwhile. Nobody ever told me I was smart. When I got close to my goal weight, I decided that I did not want to be one of those bitchy beautiful skinny girls who think they’re better than everyone else because of what she’s wearing or looks like. Not judging people anymore because of how they look has helped me overcome this. I don’t feel better than anyone else, because I don’t judge them on those things that would cause me to feel better than them.

Today I was watching a tv show about girls who have out of control spending habits. This girl was given a challenge to go shopping, with a list, with a budget limit per item. When she was trying to buy jeans, her limit for them was $75. To me, $75 on a pair of jeans is outrageous. The other day I bought some for $15. I don’t think I’ve ever spend over $40 on a pair. All she did was whine and complain that the ones she wanted were over her budget. She had pulled a pair for $50, and when she was trying them on, she said, “Oh, these are only $50…oh, there’s a reason they’re only $50”. She thinks that they're cheaper because the quality is low. Or maybe it's the other way around...she thinks the quality sucks because the price is low. 

This kind of attitude about clothing speaks volumes about our society. To think it’s ok to badmouth certain things (and I mean anything…clothing, cars, housing, food, etc) that is cheaper and affordable, and what some people can afford merely because it’s cheaper shows how ridiculously materialistic we have become. As someone who didn’t grow up with a ton of money, I think it’s crazy to spend $200 on a pair of pants. $70 on a shirt. $300 on boots. I could buy all of those things for under $100 total. Why would I spend it, when I could save the extra $400 or spend it on something else, or buy more with it?

This girl…she may have been beautiful on the outside…but she wasn’t beautiful on the inside. There are lots of people our culture says are unattractive but I know to be beautiful because of who they are, and what they do for other people. Material possessions and provisions have become more important to us than how we live our lives and treat other people.

The Bible verse above says that we shouldn’t worry about those things. I can attest to the fact that God always provides for His people. There have been many times when I’ve been without a job and gotten one just in the nick of time. People have helped me pay for things, or I realize that I already have a perfectly fine substitute that I simply forgot about. God always provides for my needs. It’s never been as dire as I fear. I’m absolutely certain that God could not care less about what I’m wearing on my body, what I’m driving, what’s in my bank account, etc. He does care about the compassion and love I show to people, the way I represent Him in this world, and how responsible and hard-working I am. His opinion of me as His lovely daughter will never hinge on what I look like, and will always rely on the kind person I am and how I behave.

That is what I am thankful for. Of course I still hope to present myself in a decent way to the world, but I know that God will always love me even if my only clothing is a brown sack. And I don’t want to say that I’m better than this girl on tv because I’m more practical with my money and don’t care about labels. But I can say that I bet I’m happier than her because of this difference between us. My opinion of myself will never be altered because my pants were only $15.

Much love,

Amanda

Day 5!

“It makes me very sad to hear women making jokes that are negative jokes, or sarcastic, or put-down lines about their husbands. And they all laugh, but it’s not right. She’s not being trustworthy. She’s not being faithful. She’s not being loyal.”

As you may know, as part of my Christian half of my journey in improving my self-esteem, I have signed up for a daily email to help me renew myself in what it means to be a woman of God. The above paragraph was recently in one of the readings, and it rings so true for me.

Last year, when I was doing nanny work, I was at an Early Years Centre for playgroup with the baby, and I heard these women talking. They were talking about their husbands, and they were doing exactly what the paragraph above describes. Too much time has passed for me to remember exactly what they were saying, but I recall many complaints, along the lines of him coming home and wondering why nothing had ever gotten done, and one of the women wanting to say, if you want it done, just do it your own damn self. This made me very sad. First of all, it begs the question…if he pisses you off so much, why did you marry him? Second…why are you talking about your marital issues in public with your friend, where at least 4 other adults can hear you? Third…why don’t you do anything all day?

I’d like to disclaim that I don’t believe in the ‘Superwoman’ model society promotes today. The idea that a woman with a full-time job can do that and then come home and have a perfect home with everything tidy and in place is just not possible. Something has to give. And honestly, if that were me, I’d rather have an untidy home and be able to spend time with my family than care about dishes getting done right away.

HOWEVER. If you are home all day, I do believe that there is some kind of obligation to at least try to get chores done. I won’t be able to work right away after moving down to Texas, and since I won’t have children yet, I intend to use all that free time to set up our household. I will unpack things, do all the post wedding crap, cook, clean, organize, etc. I feel like, if Daric is going to be our primary breadwinner at that point (and all of this extends to when we have children, since if we can afford it, I want to stay home and raise the children), then I need to do all I can to make our home life smooth and comfortable. And really…even once you have children and have slightly less time, I believe that there is a way to get everything done that needs to be done. If your husband is busting his ass 40-50 hours a week so you can stay home with your kids, you should be doing the same at home. Being a stay at home mom isn’t a vacation. Or a reason for being lazy. It’s a job. It is work.

Most of what bothered me about hearing these women bitch and moan about their husband’s is that it was so disrespectful. Never mind why they can’t keep their homes clean enough, which also devalues him and your life together. If they had a problem with something their husband said to them, then a baby playgroup is not the place to air that. It doesn’t honour him. It doesn’t respect him. It doesn’t build him up. It makes him out to be a jackass. When I think of the times I’ve felt like that because other people have insulted me in public, I can’t ever imagine doing the same to my husband. It devalues your commitment, and it’s so selfish.

I so want to give Daric only the best of me. I know I’ll have my moments, but I also know that acting like those women is one of the worst things I can do as a wife. I know I wouldn’t do it, but I also pray that God will continue to shape me into a Proverbs 21-esque woman so that I will have the strength to resist keeping my mouth shut to Daric and instead opening it to people who shouldn’t hear about it when I have an issue.

On an unrelated note, I must give a shout-out to one of my incredible friends today. She has been sober for two years today, and I am unbelievably inspired by her. She doesn’t know it, but she was a factor in me starting this whole self-improvement journey, and I think that she’s just amazing. She has shown me that perseverance is worth it, and that making yourself better is something that goes on forever and never ends. I know she’s going to be successful, and I am so proud to call her my friend. I <3 you Jen.

Much love,

Amanda

Day 4-ish

Ok, so I missed posting yesterday. But, I had plenty of insights, and this time into my own body image journey.

The first thing is this: I weighed myself, thinking that maybe I'd lost something, because I seemed fitter than last week. But I had no change. So this got me thinking, as I am slightly apt to do.

My ultimate weight loss goal was 50 pounds. That's about 6 pounds less than I am now. I have been trying to lose this 6 pounds for a good 6 months. And it's not happening. No matter how hard I work out, no matter how much I restrict my calories, it just never happens. But my body changes. And I stay the same weight. So, I have decided that the weight and body type I am right now is what I'm supposed to be. It's the way God designed me to be. There are still a couple things I'd like to streamline, like building more muscle and losing more fat on my upper thighs (yes, I know nobody sees them, but I do, and I don't want them jiggly). Long story short, I've decided to stop putting the focus on losing weight, and putting the focus on making my body stronger.

And honestly, I do like the way my body is now. I like my curves, and I like the muscle tone, and I think it's really not all that bad. It also helps that Daric thinks I'm beautiful :)

I also, for the first time since high school, wore a bikini in front of other people yesterday. It was great. I felt really good about myself, and I'm happy that I took that step. Yes, my body isn't perfect, but I'm still attractive, and I felt good so that's what's important. That was a pretty big step for me, and I'm glad I overcame it.

I guess that overcoming your fears is a choice that you make. That seems like the understatement of the year, but it's true. Like I was saying to Daric the other day, all the stuff I write in here about this journey make seem pretty obvious to some people. But I think that everyone needs to actually learn and experience these obvious things in order to really own them and live them out.

I'll write about Day 5 later. :)

Much love,
Amanda

Day 3

So, Day 3 didn’t start out that great. My allergies have been bugging me a lot lately, and they make me quite tired. Especially since I can’t sleep if I can’t breathe. Breathing is important. And when I get tired, I tend to get extra frustrated with myself. Note the use of the word ‘extra’. Because really, I am normally frustrated with myself. Very easily. I tend to forget things pretty easily. Like, for instance, yesterday I forgot my dinner at home and had to go back for it. Which in turn made me late for work, another thing that frustrates me, because it happens all the time, due to my lack of remembering things. Plus, as I realized last night, I had thought about what I was going to eat yesterday, but forgot about today, yet another day I’m in the box office alone for awhile. So my lunch consisted of a cold, 2 hours old bagel with cream cheese from Tim Hortons. It’s still food, but it’s not the best lunch ever. I planned to make something before I left for work this morning, but guess what? I forgot.

I also tend to misplace things a lot or just fail to put them back in the proper spot. My favourite/most annoying example of this is how I like to pile my clothes on the back of my desk chair instead of putting them away after I’m done with them. So I frantically try to figure out where my blue sweater is on the morning I want it, only to have to sift through 7 different piles of clothing to find it.

Oftentimes, I say that ‘I hate being myself’. Yes, this is terrible. I don’t say it because I hate myself, but being myself can be very frustrating. I can’t seem to remember things at all, or be organized at all, no matter how hard I try. I’m hoping that once Daric and I are living together and I actually have enough space to put my things, this will improve. I don’t honestly see how it can get worse. My whole life is crammed into one room with two cats and too much stuff.

Maybe the problem isn’t me. Maybe it’s my life. My life is not what I want it to be. Not yet anyways. I mean, I found a wonderful, amazing man who loves me more than anything, but he’s stuck in a sandpit of doom halfway around the world. My everyday life is made better by having him, but it’s still what it’s always been. It will soon be what I want it to be, and if I can just hold out for another few months, I’ll get to it. And I’ll have an apartment to put all my (our) crap into. And organize the heck out of it. As much as I can’t wait for that, I will never resent him for doing what he’s doing. He loves it, and he’s brave. And I know that waiting for that everyday life we want will make it so much sweeter. Plus, he definitely has it worse. CHUs are not the Hilton.

Speaking of him…well, to put it mildly, he likes to buy me things. I say I’d like to have something, and he’s all “You’ll have it in a week.” He loves to buy me gifts, and wants to provide for me. And yet, this morning when I said I wanted something and he wanted to buy it for me, I told him no. I thought, it’s too expensive. I don’t deserve it. I need to earn it. And then I thought about that and realized something. That it’s bullshit. I wouldn’t allow my amazing husband to buy me something that I have wanted for a while, all because I don’t feel worthy of it? A thought that brings me back to my self-esteem. Why do I feel like I have to be worthy of a gift from my husband? Beyond him thinking I deserve it and wanting to buy it for me, I shouldn’t need a reason. I actually prevented him from showing me love because of my own sense of devalued worth. What kind of person does that make me? I’m sure there’s a nicer way of saying ‘a huge bitch’, but I’m not creative enough to come up with it. So, I’m going to force myself to apologize and ask him if he still wants to buy it for me, and let him. I give myself the excuse of not wanting to take advantage of him and his kindness and love, but he says he knows I won’t, and I’m not that kind of person. So by saying that, I’m actually covering up my own low self-esteem by making myself seem like I’m denying him buying things for me for his own good, when it’s really because of my own crappiness. Not good for a relationship. Not good for a self-esteem. I won’t do it anymore. I wonder how else people cover up their low self-esteem by pretending they’re actually doing something to help/save/respect/(fill-in-the-blank) another person instead.

I know one thing…denying my husband’s attempts to show me affection is not good for either of us. And so it ends.

Since I’m at work, I can’t access my email to see what my assignment is for learning about the Proverbs 31 woman today. I might post on it later. This, I just needed to get off my mind.

Much love,

Amanda

Day Two

Ok. Day two.

I didn’t really know what I was going to focus on today when I woke up this morning, but it came to me later tonight.

My secular half has chosen to focus itself on the idea that being kind to others, stopping myself from judging them, and refusing to think negative things about them, will boost my self-esteem.

To the immature fools in us, this is counterintuitive. We DO judge others, and we DO think negative things about them, and we come up with many reasons why we’re better than them, and this boosts our self-esteem. Until it doesn’t. This is all very high school. I’m better than you because I have more money. I’m better than you because I have better clothes. I’m better than you because I’m skinnier…more athletic…popular…smarter…funnier…

I got all of the above in high school. Except skinny. I was the skinny one…and athletic, because of dancing. My prom dress was a size 2. Somehow, I feel like if I can get back to that, I’ll be all happy and rainbows and sunshine and whatever. But today at work, I looked in the mirror, and thought, “damn I look good today. My body is perfect.” That’s a big step for me, and that is good, because I am definitely not a size 2 anymore, and I’m still happy with myself. Hopefully I can stay happy when I have PMS and am bloated all huge and…bloaty-like.

Back to my point. I’m sick of the high school way of thinking of myself vs. other people. I don’t want to be in high school again. It sucked. I want to be what I am. 24 (and a half!), a grown-up woman, getting married, working on getting the life I’ve always wanted. I’ve always said I don’t care what other people think, but that’s a lie. I do care, so instead of allowing myself to think of all the ways they could judge me, I judge them first. I am admitting it. I judge other people. I judge their clothes, I judge the way they look, I judge the way they talk…and the list goes on. I’m not going to lie and say I don’t do it, because I don’t lie. In order to fix myself, I need to focus on the parts that actually are ugly too.

Stopping myself from judging and looking down on others will help me feel better about myself. There are lots of people out there who treat life as a giant competition, all to see who is more or less of whatever than whomever. I don’t want to compete like that. If I did, I’d be in a beauty pageant. But this is not a beauty pageant, it’s my life. And it’s easier to change my way of thinking than to change how this crazy society of ours works. I found today that if I’m not judging others, I’m freer to be nicer to them, and that allows me to be who I really am. If I’m not criticizing them, I don’t criticize myself. Not judging others based on how they look means I don’t do it to myself. Not judging others based on how they look frees me to be happier, and allows them to be themselves to me. I don’t know where this knowledge will lead me,  but right now it’s helping me to love myself and other people better. Which is what Jesus wants from me. Which leads me to the next part…

My Christian journey today took me into a deeper realization of who the Proverbs 31 woman is. Truth is, she’s just a normal woman, like me, on a path. All the things she does and is…they didn’t become a part of her overnight. She worked a lot to get there. And she has struggles, still. Just like we all do and always will.

It’s awesome to realize that a real woman can still be held up as an example to follow from God. He doesn’t want perfection from us. Not yet. That’s what happens in Heaven. He just wants us to try. But we can’t try without Him. We need Jesus in order to become this woman, and Jesus will lead us down the right path in order to make us into who He needs us to be. Becoming a woman of God does not happen overnight. It took me years to truly understand His love and what it means to be His daughter. It will take a long time for me to become like this woman, and I can only do it with the help of Jesus in my heart.

Tonight I’m going to take a good look at the Proverbs 31 woman and identify what parts of it I’m on the way to becoming. That will help me recognize better what God is teaching me when He is.

Today was a really good day. I look forward to what tomorrow brings.

Much love,

Amanda

Day One!

Today was my first day of my self-esteem makeover, and I’ve got to say, so far I’m doing pretty good. I haven’t had that many negative thoughts about myself, and when I have, I have forced myself to stop right away. Things that have brought down my view of myself in the past are merely frustrating me, instead of making me think less of myself. I guess making the conscious decision to improve my self-esteem, all by itself has already started to improve it.

My two activities today were fairly simple. The secular part of my journey has started with two lists: one with the things I like about myself, and one with the things I like about my body. The latter isn’t only about how my body looks, but how it functions as well. I’m not going to share these lists with you, but I do recommend the activity, if only to force you to think only positive things about yourself. I might eventually make a list of things I want to change about myself, but not until my journey here is done.

The Christian part of my journey involves a blog called TrueWoman.com. On it, they offer a complete 30-day makeover sent to you each day by email, and containing Biblical wisdom and teachings. The first day started with an introduction to the Proverbs 31 woman, something I have always been interested in. I have always seen her as a source of inspiration, something to strive towards. I have read that other women don’t like this example as they see it too difficult to achieve, but I disagree. It gives me a Biblical standard and example to follow, which is exactly what I want. So, I read through the passage again, and I decided to start with identifying the things in the Proverbs 31 woman that I see in myself.  I see things like ‘hard-working’, ‘strong’, ‘generous’, and I know I am those things. So, that makes me feel good about myself, because I know I’m on the right track to becoming a woman that God is even more proud of, and that my husband will be even more proud of. Part of this whole journey is to make myself into someone who can bless our marriage and keep it strong, instead of weakening it because of the negative thoughts that fill my head. I also love the part of Proverbs 31 where it says that her husband praises her. I haven’t yet done much for Daric, but he does this all the time. And for that, I am grateful, because it fulfills this feminine need in me to be loved and cherished. He is so loving towards me, and it just makes me smile and makes my heart warm.

My plan with Proverbs 31 is to read it everyday for 31 days, and allow God to inspire me through it. I’m sure there are multiple ways to become and live out the things in this passage, and I want God to show me how I can fulfill them for Him and my husband and our eventual family. I hope to share my different insights as I learn more.

For the rest of the week on my secular journey, I plan to focus on the things I have listed as what I like about myself, and add to the list if I can. I plan to stop negative self-talk as soon as it appears. For my Christian part, I’ll just keep following the emails that TrueWoman sends me, and letting God inspire me about the kind of woman He wants me to be.

So far, so good :)

Much love,

Amanda

on self-esteem.

As Daric and I get closer to our wedding date, I’ve been wanting to do a lot of preparing myself for marriage. I can’t wait to be his wife, and I want so much to ensure that our marriage will be strong and intimate and protected. My worst fear, as he is well aware of by now, is infidelity.

My life has been full of abandonments, both slight and devastating. Before I was born, my life had experience abandonment by my biological father. Many people will think that getting over a father you never had would be easy, but it’s not, because as you look around at all the other families that have one, you realize what you miss. God stepped in, and did so much, and then put my stepdad in that position, and I have and will ever be grateful for that. Still…the abandonment there can be like a scab. You pick/think about it, and it opens, but if you leave it, it will heal. Until you pick it again. It’s mostly healed now, but it’s kind of a scar now.

Other people have come and gone. But because of my original experience with abandonment, those comings and goings have affected me pretty deeply. The lack of caring about feelings, people not willing to try to heal broken things, pretending like everything is ok when it’s not. These are things I have experienced in situations out of my control, but my marriage is not out of my control, and I will not have them creep in and destroy us. Because these things lead to my greatest fear. And we’re back to infidelity.

I don’t pretend I don’t have these fears, and I tell Daric, and he lovingly says…it’s not going to happen. Don’t worry about it. Relax.

And I believe him, but that fear is there, not like a scab, but an open wound. I think and think and see that at the root of it all? I don’t think I’m worthy of the love he has given me. It’s a simple, powerful love. It has changed me and made me happier than I ever thought I could be. It has given me goals and purpose, and a dream come true. All through Daric, right from God. And my greatest fear is to lose it. And the easiest way for me to think of that happening is for him to wake up one day, look at me, and decide…she’s so not worth giving up all the excitement I had. And he says, NO. I don’t think you’re boring, and I am willingly and gladly giving up all of that to wake up next to you, my love. But my fear persists.

So I know I need to stop my fear in order for my marriage to be unplagued by my self-doubt. So I think about self-esteem. What does it mean? How do I improve mine? Why do I think so little of myself in the first place?

I have many reasons to why I think of myself as unworthy. The main one is media. The other is how I see myself and my life. And other little reasons about what people have said to me in the past, the way they’ve treated me. I’m apparently very sensitive.

So, in order to safeguard my marriage, I realize I need to shut off this voice in my head. So, I’m making a concentrated effort. Over the next 5 weeks, I’ll be undertaking a complete self-esteem makeover. It will be partly focused on secular things: the media, how it affects me, how I feel about myself and why. How I can change my self-image to be more positive and confident. Rule #1: I am not allowed to weigh myself more than once a week. I have lost almost 45 pounds over the last year and a half. Why is that not enough for me? I don’t know yet. I’ll find out.

The other half of my makeover will involve God. What does He think of me? What does He expect from me as a woman? What does beauty and worth mean to Him? What does a real woman look like to Him? How can He help me heal my self-thoughts and free me from these chains?

Although my blog is usually reserved for my creative writing, I am putting this all in here, and hopefully will update everyday. I choose to put this in here because two questions I have been wondering are: Why don’t we talk about this problem? When does it stop?

I want this self-image problem to stop with me. I don’t want my sons thinking all women are insecure spazzes. And I especially don’t ever want my daughters to feel this way.

And I also hope that what I learn will help other women. It’s time that we break free of the media’s expectations of us, and live up to our own, and if applicable to our lives, God’s expectations of and desires for us.

Much love,

Amanda

if you understand the feelings distance creates.

when i was in the second grade, i got punched in the stomach by a boy.

being apart from the one you should be with is like suffering an emotional punch in the stomach everyday. or punch in the soul. or both.

i see that not everyone understands the tumultuous feelings that come with such an arrangement.

perhaps if everyone was forced to spend time separated by distance from their true mate they wouldn’t take them for granted or fight as much. they would hold hands more or remember to say ‘i love you’ each morning as they parted.

a simple task can become mostly unbearable.

a shopping trip can come to a swift and bittersweet end as you stand in a store being caught off guard as you realize that ‘marry me’ by train is playing on the overhead radio and that this mundane task would be beyond incredible if only you were holding hands with your husband (-to-be…although such a distinction is one i make for the picky who may read this and not one i make in my mind).

you stand in the store, holding a skirt, hearing the song. a song you love and listen to often while thinking of your love. holding back tears the only way you know how…deep breaths and the desire to not have everyone staring at you. what kind of woman cries while shopping?

i do. i also cry in restaurants and at work and in the shower and to myself at night while falling asleep. or trying to. my heart soars when i see wedding ads. my heart cringes when i see someone wearing camo. my heart hurts when i think of distance and 100 days left. my heart smiles when i look down at my sparkly keepsake, a reminder that he will come home and we will be together, inseparable.

people make jokes that say, you miss her now, but wait until you have to see her everyday. and he says, it’s never gonna happen. i will never take you for granted and i will always cherish you.

he says, i can’t see what you’re wearing today or how your hair looks, but you’re beautiful to me everyday. when you feel bad because you’re bloated or that the pants you know are your size in a store don’t fit, you are upset, but you think of him standing right there, telling you, you’re beautiful no matter what.

you imagine him next to you in your car, at home on the couch, walking down the street.

did you know that the simplest activities of everyday life become extraordinary because the one you love is by your side?

i didn’t, but i do now.

he says, this will be the most difficult thing we ever have to go through, and don’t give up, because we’re almost there. it’s already halfway through june. it’s going to be ok. i’ll always be there when you cry after all this is over.

you look forward to celebrating being a bride with your friends, but are aware that you will probably break down and cry sometime between present openings.

i don’t know how many people know these things, but i wish more did. it would be easier to suffer. misery loves company and such. my only company is still my best friend, separated from me by 7 hours of time difference and a big ocean and lots of sand.

i wonder how quickly 100 days can come and go. if God has mercy on us, the answer is very.