Day Two

Ok. Day two.

I didn’t really know what I was going to focus on today when I woke up this morning, but it came to me later tonight.

My secular half has chosen to focus itself on the idea that being kind to others, stopping myself from judging them, and refusing to think negative things about them, will boost my self-esteem.

To the immature fools in us, this is counterintuitive. We DO judge others, and we DO think negative things about them, and we come up with many reasons why we’re better than them, and this boosts our self-esteem. Until it doesn’t. This is all very high school. I’m better than you because I have more money. I’m better than you because I have better clothes. I’m better than you because I’m skinnier…more athletic…popular…smarter…funnier…

I got all of the above in high school. Except skinny. I was the skinny one…and athletic, because of dancing. My prom dress was a size 2. Somehow, I feel like if I can get back to that, I’ll be all happy and rainbows and sunshine and whatever. But today at work, I looked in the mirror, and thought, “damn I look good today. My body is perfect.” That’s a big step for me, and that is good, because I am definitely not a size 2 anymore, and I’m still happy with myself. Hopefully I can stay happy when I have PMS and am bloated all huge and…bloaty-like.

Back to my point. I’m sick of the high school way of thinking of myself vs. other people. I don’t want to be in high school again. It sucked. I want to be what I am. 24 (and a half!), a grown-up woman, getting married, working on getting the life I’ve always wanted. I’ve always said I don’t care what other people think, but that’s a lie. I do care, so instead of allowing myself to think of all the ways they could judge me, I judge them first. I am admitting it. I judge other people. I judge their clothes, I judge the way they look, I judge the way they talk…and the list goes on. I’m not going to lie and say I don’t do it, because I don’t lie. In order to fix myself, I need to focus on the parts that actually are ugly too.

Stopping myself from judging and looking down on others will help me feel better about myself. There are lots of people out there who treat life as a giant competition, all to see who is more or less of whatever than whomever. I don’t want to compete like that. If I did, I’d be in a beauty pageant. But this is not a beauty pageant, it’s my life. And it’s easier to change my way of thinking than to change how this crazy society of ours works. I found today that if I’m not judging others, I’m freer to be nicer to them, and that allows me to be who I really am. If I’m not criticizing them, I don’t criticize myself. Not judging others based on how they look means I don’t do it to myself. Not judging others based on how they look frees me to be happier, and allows them to be themselves to me. I don’t know where this knowledge will lead me,  but right now it’s helping me to love myself and other people better. Which is what Jesus wants from me. Which leads me to the next part…

My Christian journey today took me into a deeper realization of who the Proverbs 31 woman is. Truth is, she’s just a normal woman, like me, on a path. All the things she does and is…they didn’t become a part of her overnight. She worked a lot to get there. And she has struggles, still. Just like we all do and always will.

It’s awesome to realize that a real woman can still be held up as an example to follow from God. He doesn’t want perfection from us. Not yet. That’s what happens in Heaven. He just wants us to try. But we can’t try without Him. We need Jesus in order to become this woman, and Jesus will lead us down the right path in order to make us into who He needs us to be. Becoming a woman of God does not happen overnight. It took me years to truly understand His love and what it means to be His daughter. It will take a long time for me to become like this woman, and I can only do it with the help of Jesus in my heart.

Tonight I’m going to take a good look at the Proverbs 31 woman and identify what parts of it I’m on the way to becoming. That will help me recognize better what God is teaching me when He is.

Today was a really good day. I look forward to what tomorrow brings.

Much love,

Amanda