-brief interlude-

all of a sudden.

the drop in the pit of my stomach.

the sadness swells in me.

this sensation...a feeling i have come to know all too well.

i feel sick and exhausted and pining.

it is as if you stole a piece of my soul and absconded with it.

the feeling rises up to my throat.

pushes the tears to the surface.

i breathe deeply to hold them in, but they swell and start falling anyways.

my vision blurs, and in it all i see is you.

i fall on my bed and sob.

the days go by quickly in retrospect.

but every day when i am going through it seems like a year.

i waited so long for you.

to keep waiting. such a torture.

i want this to end.

i want my soul back and you with it. 

Day 11

To be honest, I didn’t learn anything today. I’ve only had things reinforced that I’ve known for a long time.

There is a slight obsession in our culture with being happy. We are told to follow what makes us happy, to do whatever we can to secure it, even if it comes at the cost of someone else and their happiness. We’re told to plaster on a smile even when we feel like crap. We tell people our feelings, and they just tell us, ‘it’ll be ok…just forget about it’.

When I was younger, I often had days like I did today. Days where I would have rather climbed back into bed and forgotten about life instead of getting up and facing the world. People were always telling me to smile.

 

“Don’t forget to smile!”

“Where’s your pretty smile?”

“Bet I can make you smile.”

What is the obsession with smiling? Because it means you’re happy. And people don’t want to see a frown. Because a frown means that something’s wrong. And there’s the feelings that come with something being wrong. And nobody wants to talk about feelings. Feelings are bad. And to be avoided at all costs, lest you bring someone down from their happiness with your reality that you feel like a big sack of garbage.

But really, sometimes a ‘not-a-smile’ (because sometimes it’s not a frown, it’s just the absence of a smile”, is just a neutral, “I don’t feel that great today.”

And really, you can’t have really awesome days and just plain good days without having the days that you just don’t feel that good or days that you feel like throttling everyone. It’s the downs that make the ups significant.

Would the days that Daric told me he loved me for the first time or that he proposed be so amazing in my mind if I didn’t also have terrible days where I cried over my loneliness and desire to be loved?

Will a good day next week have the same significance it will without today being absolutely dull and lifeless?

Can I truly feel happiness without having truly felt sadness?

I don’t think so. I think of the times when I’ve had a real push in my spiritual development. Those times are preceded and followed by times of spiritual…rest. Where I’ve lived out what I just learned.

I think of the times when I’ve been so happy. Like my week in Texas. It wouldn’t have been so amazing if I had been able to spend time with Daric beforehand. It would have been the same old thing.

Maybe that’s why relationships and other things in life fail. We walk around when things are ok, and they’re ok. We’re happy, things are happy. But, then things feel unhappy, and yet we still put the smile on our face. And then we realize we can’t keep up the façade. We think, “does this person really see me? do they really care? what do they really understand about me?” And then it falls apart. It’s happened to me before. And it can happen with anything. A relationship, a friendship, a job, a commitment we want to have time for but don’t.

Maybe it’s just me. But I doubt it. I doubt that I’m the only person who gets sick of keeping up this façade. I stopped apologizing for having bad days at some point. I don’t know when. But, I enjoy it. If someone asks me if I’m ok today, and I’m not, I tell them. “No…I don’t really feel like myself today…but hopefully tomorrow will be better.”

I believe in honesty. I don’t lie. I don’t cheat. I don’t steal. There used to be a time where I did all of those, and very well. But Jesus changed me, and I’m grateful for that. However, this change has meant that I value honesty to a great degree, and I don’t like it when people are fake. I don’t like it when they hide their feelings. And I most of all don’t like it from myself.

So, when I’m having a bad day, I’m honest about it. I’m not going to deprive myself of being honest and being myself just to save others being uncomfortable. I know that Daric doesn’t like it when I’m upset. But, if he asks me if I’m ok, what am I supposed to say? Am I supposed to lie and pretend everything is ok when it’s not? Or should I be honest?

We promised that we would be honest with each other all the time, right from the start, realizing that confronting possible problems before they got out of control was better than pretending they didn’t existed. This is something I live by. This has given us a very deep connection in which we are safe to share our real selves. So, I will tell him when everything is not ok. And I will do the same with everyone else.

Sometimes, having self-esteem and self-confidence means that we do what we feel we need to for ourselves at all times. Earlier I said we were obsessed with finding happiness, but this is not about happiness. This is about contentedness, which goes deeper and lasts longer than ‘happiness’. Happy is a feeling, not a state. Happy comes and goes. But being content…that’s when you know that you’re in the right place, and it helps you get through these days that feel like nothing, and help you get to the next one that feels like awesome.

So…I guess the point of this blog post was to share something I’ve always known. Yes, there are days I’m happy. There are days I’m sad. There are days when I feel nothing at all. But, instead of feeling like I have to be happy all the time, I should remember that being content is enough. I wish more people knew that. I wish more people said that.

I am content. I know that the life I’m moving towards is real and where I should be. I know that Daric is the man I’m meant to be with, the best one for me, and the best thing that’s ever happened to me (besides Jesus. I mean, Daric is amazing, but he can’t save my soul). Texas is (apparently) where I’m meant to be. I can see our apartment in my head. I’m so content with that life. And the thought of being with Daric makes me happy. But sometimes, the thought is eclipsed by days like today. Days where I’m just going through the motions but I’m tired, stressed, and just need to go back to bed. I don’t think this is bad. I think it’s realistic. I’m not going to go into my new phase of life thinking I’m gonna be ultra-happy 24/7. That’s unrealistic. But to know I’m content and will continue to be…that’s enough. It’s awesome, even. I’ve found it difficult to be content in my life, and here it is. So real and ever-present. It’s amazing. Contentedness over ‘constant happiness’ (whatever that means). Honesty and reality over fake-smiles and fake ok-ness. That’s what I want. That’s all I ever wanted. I’ve got it, and I like it. 

Day 10

If you’ve known me for any length of time, or talked to me at length, you will know that I tend to put my foot in my mouth a lot. Usually it gets me laughed at or looked at weird. Of course, since Daric knows me best out of everyone, he gets to experience this foot-in-mouth action more than anyone. And since he loves me more than anyone, he’s most forgiving of it. I am super thankful for that. 

I am so not used to the kind of love he offers me. And this seems to mean I need constant reassurance from him that I am what he wants, and the life we’re building is the life he wants. Our lives have been pretty different. His was…flavourful. Mine was…well, boring. My biggest fear is that he will miss that life, and either leave me or resent me, or something else to get that life back. And I’ll end up alone, and depressed, and boring once again.

Daric inspires this whole adventuresome part of me. I’m willing to pick up my life, and move all the way to Texas to be with him. People question this plan of mine, and I have never given it a second thought, and I know why. I was meant to be with him. He is where I belong, and I’ll go anywhere in order to make that happen. I have changed so much since we’ve started our relationship, and if I were to look at my current self from my self from a year ago, I totally wouldn’t recognize myself. Being apart from him is slowly tearing me to pieces, and it brings all these fears to the surface. I think that by the time we’re back together in September, I will be very near my wit’s end.

One of the things that I keep running into is that I seem to need this constant reassurance from him. I think most of it stems from fear, some of it from missing him, and some of it from my obvious self-esteem deficiency. I’ve gotten way better in the way I think about my body and the way I look, and what I’m capable of. But I guess I’m not as self-assured of my own worth as I thought I was.

I think another part of it is that I’ve wanted to change so many things in my life for the last few years, and I’ve never been able to. I’ve wanted to move out, I’ve wanted to get this job, I’ve wanted to do all these things, and I’ve been stuck. I’ve never really been able to get what I wanted. And finally…finally…I have my dream in view. I have this amazing man, who wants to marry me, who loves me more than anything, who wants to be with me. Forever. And I know it’s gonna happen, and I know we’re gonna be together, and I know I’m gonna move to Texas, and be happy, and make a beautiful life and be in love and hopefully have babies and live the next 60 years with this wonderful man who loves me. But since I’ve been stuck on my own in life for the last few years, every once in a while, I have this thought in the back of my mind that it might not happen. Even though I know it will. I think I know what it is. It’s my brain playing tug of war with me. I think it’s also a bit of the evil one in this world, trying to tear me down.

Since sometimes others are our biggest ally in boosting our self-esteem, Daric has told me that I just need to remember that this is a sure thing. That we will get married and be together. To never doubt that. He’s helped me a lot with my self-esteem, and I think that I don’t give him enough credit for how amazing an influence he has been in my life. Maybe I’m scared to finally be happy. There’s a quote in the first Sex and the City movie I feel is applicable:

“I have everything I ever wanted. I am so happy that I'm terrified. Nobody gets everything that they want. Look at you. Look at Miranda. You're good people and look at what happened to you. Of course something bad is gonna happen to me.”

That comes from Charlotte, who is finally pregnant, after years of trying, and having given up and adopted a daughter from China. She’s finally got everything she wants, and she’s afraid that it’s gonna get taken away. That’s what strikes me sometimes. I’ve got what I’ve always wanted: a man who loves me, a life that I can make what I want of. So I feel like Charlotte. Of course, Carrie puts everything into perspective for her:

“Sweetie...you shit your pants this year. Maybe you're done.”

Now…just so you know, I haven’t shit my pants this year. At least, not that I remember. But the point is that a) sometimes you just get what you want and b) a good joke resolves most tension.

God is actually giving me all that I want. Perhaps I should just sit back and enjoy it already. And the next time I feel like I wanna doubt Him or me or Daric or what I’m getting…this beautiful gift…I should just slap myself and stop. I’m getting it. It’s awesome. 

Day 9

So, I'm almost better. Turns out I had strep throat. Fun times. I've never had it before, and it is definitely not pleasant. I think I'll be good to go by Tuesday when I have to go back to work. Of course, I didn't get to work this weekend, and if you know me, you know that doesn't make me happy. Oh well. Such is life. 


I was thinking just earlier, as I am prone to do, and since I remembered that I was on Day 9 (although clearly since I got sick, I haven't been doing this everyday), I looked up my daily email from the Christian site I signed up on. And you know, God has this way of telling you what you need to hear just when you need to hear it for reinforcement, encouragement, etc. It's crazy. I love it when it happens. It's pretty much the whole basis of why my relationship with Daric happened and why we're getting married in October. 


Anyways, I was thinking earlier about Cosmo magazine. And this is because Daric hates Cosmo. A lot. He thinks they're crazy over there, and for the most part, I agree with him. But I was wondering why we don't like it, or in particular, why I don't. And I think the reason is that it comes from this secular viewpoint that is selfish and negative. Now, I'm not saying that every secular viewpoint is like this. But, some are, especially when they're all for 'empowering women'. Whatever that means. So, there tends to be a lot in there about how you shouldn't have to take care of your man, and how to manipulate him into or out of things, and a whole lot of sex advice that I would never take, since it sometimes involves one-night stands, which I totally don't understand the appeal of. Anyways. I looked up my email for Day 9, and lo and behold, the third point they sent was this:


"It is a high and holy calling to be a helper to your husband and to manage the affairs of your household."


This was after a point about how you're like Jesus when you're serving, and that it's a blessing to a man to know there's a woman at home praying for him and watching out for him on the homefront. 


But that third point really hit me hard. It's difficult to be that woman these days I think. I don't think there are a ton of women who would stand tall, and say to everyone around them, "I want to have children, and stay at home to take care of them and my husband and my household". There's this idea that your wants and desires should come first (note I didn't say anything about your needs, which should always be a priority regardless of whether you work in an office or at home). It's the idea that "I want..." should be what we promote, and I don't think Jesus would agree. 


He always met his needs. He ate, he drank, he found a place to rest his head, he prayed, he had friends, he had fun. But he was satisfied even though he wasn't the richest person, even though he had no say in what his future held. He went where God led him, and he did want God wanted him to do, and never once did he put his wants in front of that. He put his needs first, for instance, when he escaped from crowds because he needed to find a private place to pray alone. But, he never put his wants first. He cried and cried in the garden because he wanted to put his wants first, but he couldn't. He knew it wouldn't be right. 


I know that my life will probably always be more comfortable than the one Jesus had. I know that he doesn't require me to give up everything I have in order to be his follower. But I know that he does expect me to serve wherever he puts me. I think that's why Cosmo bothers me. It's totally the opposite of what Jesus wants from me. It's focused on me, not others. Jesus wants me to be like him in my heart. This means that yes, I will take care of my husband. Yes, I will stay home to care for my children. Yes, I will put aside my own ambitions (even though I don't really have any besides wanting a family) to follow his lead and take care of others. It's what he's inspired in me. 


So I guess what I've realized this week is that I'll always be surrounded by those negative voices. I might have people saying to me after my children start to get bigger..."So, when are you going to go back to work?" I'll have to stand tall and tell them what I expect of myself and what I will do...stay home with them and teach them. Sometimes following the lead of Jesus means sticking up for what he's called you to do. 


I guess in terms of self-esteem, it goes like this. I know what I'm meant to do, but there will always be voices buzzing around me trying to tell me what they think I should do. But their opinions don't matter. Mine does. Daric's does. And most of all, God's does. Those are the only three opinions that need to matter ultimately to me in my life, and I can't be ashamed of that. So I just need to tune out those voices, or tell them to shut it, and move forward. God's plan for me hasn't failed yet. I won't let doubts make it fail in the future. I just need to have the confidence and self-esteem to know that I'm doing the right things in my life, and that it's gonna be ok. God doesn't let the people who follow the path He's set out for them fail. 


"For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. Then you will call on me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you. You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart." - Jeremiah 29: 11-13

Day...8

Ok, so I'm pretty sure this is where I left off. I got busy, and then I got sick, and then all of a sudden I haven't written anything for a week. 


Good news though. Since beginning this whole self-esteem thing, I've been a lot more positive about my body. Even when I had the flu and my belly was bloated so much I looked pregnant. One of the things that helps is dancing, which I completely love. I started back in ballet classes last week. It has felt awesome so far. I love the muscles that ballet gives me, and the way that moving in that way makes me feel. It's very lovely. So, I've done pretty good in changing the way I think about my body in that way. 


Of course, there's always a negative side to everything, and my one big remaining problem I have with my body is it's immune system. I have a weak immune system, and that is tied to my endometriosis, and this gives me allergies, and (possible) issues with having children. For now, obviously, it's only my allergies that are driving me absolutely insane, as it's given me some very significant sinus pain, lung problems, and now a reaction in my throat that has probably turned into an infection. For the most part, I can handle these health problems, since my body is pretty strong and I'm fairly capable of doing most of the things I want to. I just need to be careful. It'll be difficult when we want to have children though....I'm not entirely sure how I'll feel if I can't get pregnant, or how I'll feel about my body, which tends to be my enemy, at that point. I try to assume the best possible scenario, but it's difficult to when your body attacks you in such an epic fashion so randomly. I know allergies and my compromised immune system in general is not my fault, and being barren wouldn't be either, but the possibility still fills me with dread. 


As for my Christian part of my journey, I have recently started a new job as a nanny, and it dawns on me that no matter how many times I say to myself that I'm not going to go back into childcare because yet another family treated me like crap, I always do. I know why too, and I know it's because that caring for children is part of God's plan for my life. This is one of the reasons that my endometriosis terrifies me so much. I don't want to have to take care of other people's children for the rest of my life just to live out my purpose. I want to have my own beautiful babies with my amazing husband, and live out my purpose in my own home. My own quiet little dream. It's my destiny to be a wife and mother, and I want it so bad. I'm so thankful for my wonderful husband, and I'm just praying that God will give me the gift of my own children with this wonderful man. I want to give him that. It's difficult to know what you were meant for and know that it might not be yours. I just have to have faith that God will make it happen. He can make anything happen. Anything is possible with Him. He has done so much for Daric and I so far, and I know that whatever happens, I'll always have him by my side ready to move forward with me. That's what I'm most grateful for in life. 


So, my journey hasn't really moved all that much while I haven't been writing about it, but a lot of things have sunk in, and I've realized some important things. I'm hoping to get back on this train now. I'm still sick, so we'll see what happens. I know some people have been reading and wanting to do their own journeys too. That's really awesome. I wish those people would share in the comments what they've been doing too :)


Much love, 
Amanda