Day 10

If you’ve known me for any length of time, or talked to me at length, you will know that I tend to put my foot in my mouth a lot. Usually it gets me laughed at or looked at weird. Of course, since Daric knows me best out of everyone, he gets to experience this foot-in-mouth action more than anyone. And since he loves me more than anyone, he’s most forgiving of it. I am super thankful for that. 

I am so not used to the kind of love he offers me. And this seems to mean I need constant reassurance from him that I am what he wants, and the life we’re building is the life he wants. Our lives have been pretty different. His was…flavourful. Mine was…well, boring. My biggest fear is that he will miss that life, and either leave me or resent me, or something else to get that life back. And I’ll end up alone, and depressed, and boring once again.

Daric inspires this whole adventuresome part of me. I’m willing to pick up my life, and move all the way to Texas to be with him. People question this plan of mine, and I have never given it a second thought, and I know why. I was meant to be with him. He is where I belong, and I’ll go anywhere in order to make that happen. I have changed so much since we’ve started our relationship, and if I were to look at my current self from my self from a year ago, I totally wouldn’t recognize myself. Being apart from him is slowly tearing me to pieces, and it brings all these fears to the surface. I think that by the time we’re back together in September, I will be very near my wit’s end.

One of the things that I keep running into is that I seem to need this constant reassurance from him. I think most of it stems from fear, some of it from missing him, and some of it from my obvious self-esteem deficiency. I’ve gotten way better in the way I think about my body and the way I look, and what I’m capable of. But I guess I’m not as self-assured of my own worth as I thought I was.

I think another part of it is that I’ve wanted to change so many things in my life for the last few years, and I’ve never been able to. I’ve wanted to move out, I’ve wanted to get this job, I’ve wanted to do all these things, and I’ve been stuck. I’ve never really been able to get what I wanted. And finally…finally…I have my dream in view. I have this amazing man, who wants to marry me, who loves me more than anything, who wants to be with me. Forever. And I know it’s gonna happen, and I know we’re gonna be together, and I know I’m gonna move to Texas, and be happy, and make a beautiful life and be in love and hopefully have babies and live the next 60 years with this wonderful man who loves me. But since I’ve been stuck on my own in life for the last few years, every once in a while, I have this thought in the back of my mind that it might not happen. Even though I know it will. I think I know what it is. It’s my brain playing tug of war with me. I think it’s also a bit of the evil one in this world, trying to tear me down.

Since sometimes others are our biggest ally in boosting our self-esteem, Daric has told me that I just need to remember that this is a sure thing. That we will get married and be together. To never doubt that. He’s helped me a lot with my self-esteem, and I think that I don’t give him enough credit for how amazing an influence he has been in my life. Maybe I’m scared to finally be happy. There’s a quote in the first Sex and the City movie I feel is applicable:

“I have everything I ever wanted. I am so happy that I'm terrified. Nobody gets everything that they want. Look at you. Look at Miranda. You're good people and look at what happened to you. Of course something bad is gonna happen to me.”

That comes from Charlotte, who is finally pregnant, after years of trying, and having given up and adopted a daughter from China. She’s finally got everything she wants, and she’s afraid that it’s gonna get taken away. That’s what strikes me sometimes. I’ve got what I’ve always wanted: a man who loves me, a life that I can make what I want of. So I feel like Charlotte. Of course, Carrie puts everything into perspective for her:

“Sweetie...you shit your pants this year. Maybe you're done.”

Now…just so you know, I haven’t shit my pants this year. At least, not that I remember. But the point is that a) sometimes you just get what you want and b) a good joke resolves most tension.

God is actually giving me all that I want. Perhaps I should just sit back and enjoy it already. And the next time I feel like I wanna doubt Him or me or Daric or what I’m getting…this beautiful gift…I should just slap myself and stop. I’m getting it. It’s awesome.