Day...8

Ok, so I'm pretty sure this is where I left off. I got busy, and then I got sick, and then all of a sudden I haven't written anything for a week. 


Good news though. Since beginning this whole self-esteem thing, I've been a lot more positive about my body. Even when I had the flu and my belly was bloated so much I looked pregnant. One of the things that helps is dancing, which I completely love. I started back in ballet classes last week. It has felt awesome so far. I love the muscles that ballet gives me, and the way that moving in that way makes me feel. It's very lovely. So, I've done pretty good in changing the way I think about my body in that way. 


Of course, there's always a negative side to everything, and my one big remaining problem I have with my body is it's immune system. I have a weak immune system, and that is tied to my endometriosis, and this gives me allergies, and (possible) issues with having children. For now, obviously, it's only my allergies that are driving me absolutely insane, as it's given me some very significant sinus pain, lung problems, and now a reaction in my throat that has probably turned into an infection. For the most part, I can handle these health problems, since my body is pretty strong and I'm fairly capable of doing most of the things I want to. I just need to be careful. It'll be difficult when we want to have children though....I'm not entirely sure how I'll feel if I can't get pregnant, or how I'll feel about my body, which tends to be my enemy, at that point. I try to assume the best possible scenario, but it's difficult to when your body attacks you in such an epic fashion so randomly. I know allergies and my compromised immune system in general is not my fault, and being barren wouldn't be either, but the possibility still fills me with dread. 


As for my Christian part of my journey, I have recently started a new job as a nanny, and it dawns on me that no matter how many times I say to myself that I'm not going to go back into childcare because yet another family treated me like crap, I always do. I know why too, and I know it's because that caring for children is part of God's plan for my life. This is one of the reasons that my endometriosis terrifies me so much. I don't want to have to take care of other people's children for the rest of my life just to live out my purpose. I want to have my own beautiful babies with my amazing husband, and live out my purpose in my own home. My own quiet little dream. It's my destiny to be a wife and mother, and I want it so bad. I'm so thankful for my wonderful husband, and I'm just praying that God will give me the gift of my own children with this wonderful man. I want to give him that. It's difficult to know what you were meant for and know that it might not be yours. I just have to have faith that God will make it happen. He can make anything happen. Anything is possible with Him. He has done so much for Daric and I so far, and I know that whatever happens, I'll always have him by my side ready to move forward with me. That's what I'm most grateful for in life. 


So, my journey hasn't really moved all that much while I haven't been writing about it, but a lot of things have sunk in, and I've realized some important things. I'm hoping to get back on this train now. I'm still sick, so we'll see what happens. I know some people have been reading and wanting to do their own journeys too. That's really awesome. I wish those people would share in the comments what they've been doing too :)


Much love, 
Amanda