So, I'm almost better. Turns out I had strep throat. Fun times. I've never had it before, and it is definitely not pleasant. I think I'll be good to go by Tuesday when I have to go back to work. Of course, I didn't get to work this weekend, and if you know me, you know that doesn't make me happy. Oh well. Such is life.
I was thinking just earlier, as I am prone to do, and since I remembered that I was on Day 9 (although clearly since I got sick, I haven't been doing this everyday), I looked up my daily email from the Christian site I signed up on. And you know, God has this way of telling you what you need to hear just when you need to hear it for reinforcement, encouragement, etc. It's crazy. I love it when it happens. It's pretty much the whole basis of why my relationship with Daric happened and why we're getting married in October.
Anyways, I was thinking earlier about Cosmo magazine. And this is because Daric hates Cosmo. A lot. He thinks they're crazy over there, and for the most part, I agree with him. But I was wondering why we don't like it, or in particular, why I don't. And I think the reason is that it comes from this secular viewpoint that is selfish and negative. Now, I'm not saying that every secular viewpoint is like this. But, some are, especially when they're all for 'empowering women'. Whatever that means. So, there tends to be a lot in there about how you shouldn't have to take care of your man, and how to manipulate him into or out of things, and a whole lot of sex advice that I would never take, since it sometimes involves one-night stands, which I totally don't understand the appeal of. Anyways. I looked up my email for Day 9, and lo and behold, the third point they sent was this:
"It is a high and holy calling to be a helper to your husband and to manage the affairs of your household."
This was after a point about how you're like Jesus when you're serving, and that it's a blessing to a man to know there's a woman at home praying for him and watching out for him on the homefront.
But that third point really hit me hard. It's difficult to be that woman these days I think. I don't think there are a ton of women who would stand tall, and say to everyone around them, "I want to have children, and stay at home to take care of them and my husband and my household". There's this idea that your wants and desires should come first (note I didn't say anything about your needs, which should always be a priority regardless of whether you work in an office or at home). It's the idea that "I want..." should be what we promote, and I don't think Jesus would agree.
He always met his needs. He ate, he drank, he found a place to rest his head, he prayed, he had friends, he had fun. But he was satisfied even though he wasn't the richest person, even though he had no say in what his future held. He went where God led him, and he did want God wanted him to do, and never once did he put his wants in front of that. He put his needs first, for instance, when he escaped from crowds because he needed to find a private place to pray alone. But, he never put his wants first. He cried and cried in the garden because he wanted to put his wants first, but he couldn't. He knew it wouldn't be right.
I know that my life will probably always be more comfortable than the one Jesus had. I know that he doesn't require me to give up everything I have in order to be his follower. But I know that he does expect me to serve wherever he puts me. I think that's why Cosmo bothers me. It's totally the opposite of what Jesus wants from me. It's focused on me, not others. Jesus wants me to be like him in my heart. This means that yes, I will take care of my husband. Yes, I will stay home to care for my children. Yes, I will put aside my own ambitions (even though I don't really have any besides wanting a family) to follow his lead and take care of others. It's what he's inspired in me.
So I guess what I've realized this week is that I'll always be surrounded by those negative voices. I might have people saying to me after my children start to get bigger..."So, when are you going to go back to work?" I'll have to stand tall and tell them what I expect of myself and what I will do...stay home with them and teach them. Sometimes following the lead of Jesus means sticking up for what he's called you to do.
I guess in terms of self-esteem, it goes like this. I know what I'm meant to do, but there will always be voices buzzing around me trying to tell me what they think I should do. But their opinions don't matter. Mine does. Daric's does. And most of all, God's does. Those are the only three opinions that need to matter ultimately to me in my life, and I can't be ashamed of that. So I just need to tune out those voices, or tell them to shut it, and move forward. God's plan for me hasn't failed yet. I won't let doubts make it fail in the future. I just need to have the confidence and self-esteem to know that I'm doing the right things in my life, and that it's gonna be ok. God doesn't let the people who follow the path He's set out for them fail.
"For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. Then you will call on me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you. You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart." - Jeremiah 29: 11-13
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