Day 11

To be honest, I didn’t learn anything today. I’ve only had things reinforced that I’ve known for a long time.

There is a slight obsession in our culture with being happy. We are told to follow what makes us happy, to do whatever we can to secure it, even if it comes at the cost of someone else and their happiness. We’re told to plaster on a smile even when we feel like crap. We tell people our feelings, and they just tell us, ‘it’ll be ok…just forget about it’.

When I was younger, I often had days like I did today. Days where I would have rather climbed back into bed and forgotten about life instead of getting up and facing the world. People were always telling me to smile.

 

“Don’t forget to smile!”

“Where’s your pretty smile?”

“Bet I can make you smile.”

What is the obsession with smiling? Because it means you’re happy. And people don’t want to see a frown. Because a frown means that something’s wrong. And there’s the feelings that come with something being wrong. And nobody wants to talk about feelings. Feelings are bad. And to be avoided at all costs, lest you bring someone down from their happiness with your reality that you feel like a big sack of garbage.

But really, sometimes a ‘not-a-smile’ (because sometimes it’s not a frown, it’s just the absence of a smile”, is just a neutral, “I don’t feel that great today.”

And really, you can’t have really awesome days and just plain good days without having the days that you just don’t feel that good or days that you feel like throttling everyone. It’s the downs that make the ups significant.

Would the days that Daric told me he loved me for the first time or that he proposed be so amazing in my mind if I didn’t also have terrible days where I cried over my loneliness and desire to be loved?

Will a good day next week have the same significance it will without today being absolutely dull and lifeless?

Can I truly feel happiness without having truly felt sadness?

I don’t think so. I think of the times when I’ve had a real push in my spiritual development. Those times are preceded and followed by times of spiritual…rest. Where I’ve lived out what I just learned.

I think of the times when I’ve been so happy. Like my week in Texas. It wouldn’t have been so amazing if I had been able to spend time with Daric beforehand. It would have been the same old thing.

Maybe that’s why relationships and other things in life fail. We walk around when things are ok, and they’re ok. We’re happy, things are happy. But, then things feel unhappy, and yet we still put the smile on our face. And then we realize we can’t keep up the façade. We think, “does this person really see me? do they really care? what do they really understand about me?” And then it falls apart. It’s happened to me before. And it can happen with anything. A relationship, a friendship, a job, a commitment we want to have time for but don’t.

Maybe it’s just me. But I doubt it. I doubt that I’m the only person who gets sick of keeping up this façade. I stopped apologizing for having bad days at some point. I don’t know when. But, I enjoy it. If someone asks me if I’m ok today, and I’m not, I tell them. “No…I don’t really feel like myself today…but hopefully tomorrow will be better.”

I believe in honesty. I don’t lie. I don’t cheat. I don’t steal. There used to be a time where I did all of those, and very well. But Jesus changed me, and I’m grateful for that. However, this change has meant that I value honesty to a great degree, and I don’t like it when people are fake. I don’t like it when they hide their feelings. And I most of all don’t like it from myself.

So, when I’m having a bad day, I’m honest about it. I’m not going to deprive myself of being honest and being myself just to save others being uncomfortable. I know that Daric doesn’t like it when I’m upset. But, if he asks me if I’m ok, what am I supposed to say? Am I supposed to lie and pretend everything is ok when it’s not? Or should I be honest?

We promised that we would be honest with each other all the time, right from the start, realizing that confronting possible problems before they got out of control was better than pretending they didn’t existed. This is something I live by. This has given us a very deep connection in which we are safe to share our real selves. So, I will tell him when everything is not ok. And I will do the same with everyone else.

Sometimes, having self-esteem and self-confidence means that we do what we feel we need to for ourselves at all times. Earlier I said we were obsessed with finding happiness, but this is not about happiness. This is about contentedness, which goes deeper and lasts longer than ‘happiness’. Happy is a feeling, not a state. Happy comes and goes. But being content…that’s when you know that you’re in the right place, and it helps you get through these days that feel like nothing, and help you get to the next one that feels like awesome.

So…I guess the point of this blog post was to share something I’ve always known. Yes, there are days I’m happy. There are days I’m sad. There are days when I feel nothing at all. But, instead of feeling like I have to be happy all the time, I should remember that being content is enough. I wish more people knew that. I wish more people said that.

I am content. I know that the life I’m moving towards is real and where I should be. I know that Daric is the man I’m meant to be with, the best one for me, and the best thing that’s ever happened to me (besides Jesus. I mean, Daric is amazing, but he can’t save my soul). Texas is (apparently) where I’m meant to be. I can see our apartment in my head. I’m so content with that life. And the thought of being with Daric makes me happy. But sometimes, the thought is eclipsed by days like today. Days where I’m just going through the motions but I’m tired, stressed, and just need to go back to bed. I don’t think this is bad. I think it’s realistic. I’m not going to go into my new phase of life thinking I’m gonna be ultra-happy 24/7. That’s unrealistic. But to know I’m content and will continue to be…that’s enough. It’s awesome, even. I’ve found it difficult to be content in my life, and here it is. So real and ever-present. It’s amazing. Contentedness over ‘constant happiness’ (whatever that means). Honesty and reality over fake-smiles and fake ok-ness. That’s what I want. That’s all I ever wanted. I’ve got it, and I like it.