Day something.

So, I haven't been writing as often in the last couple days. I've been pretty busy, starting a new job, which has been great so far.

However, I do have some observations, and they mostly come with information from my past.

I'd say I spent a good chunk of my life alone in myself with depression. Most people would disagree with that, but most people can't see into your soul. After a while of having yourself ignored, you learn to hide yourself deep enough to ensure that nobody figures out that something is wrong. I have become a master at this. I could be dying inside and you would never know.

When I was in counselling for my depression after I hit rock bottom, my counsellor told me that depression is a spiral downwards, but it's also a spiral back up.

A big part of my journey out of depression was to learn to rely on myself and see myself as a worthwhile person. It took a long time, but I did that. Obviously not tons and tons, considering I've recently felt the need to boost my self-esteem.

Having felt ignored most of my life, I now hate it when I feel like people are ignoring me. It really nags on me and drags down my feelings about myself. I know that people don't intentionally ignore me, and they probably don't feel like they are, and I'm sure I have no reason to think they are.

After struggling with depression for so long though, I feel like I have extra insight to how people can help others feel good about themselves. And my most pressing advice would be to never ignore someone because you feel awkward, or that they're not worth your time, or because you just don't want to deal with them. Some words, or lack thereof, can make or break someone. I've heard stories of someone wanting to take their own lives, and they give it one more day, for just one person to convince them that not all is lost, and that they have worth, and sometimes that person that saves them from themselves doesn't even know what they've done until it's done, but it happened because they cared. That is so important. Just caring.

Unfortunately, depression is never something that you shake for the rest of your life. I'll be fine for a while, and then all of a sudden, things come crashing down, in my mind, and then I start wigging out. Not even getting a new job cures it.

I will say this though: taking care of children is my purpose in life, and I find that when I'm filling that purpose, I can't think about myself. Maybe that's why I work so much. Maybe it's why I shove my life full of 60 hour work weeks and 4 hours naps. Sometimes, being awake and not busy enough is just too damn painful. So, I accept that in life, I will be doomed to randomly thinking terrible things about myself. I snap out of it eventually, but I can't stop it myself. That's the problem with brain chemistry. I have no solutions to this problem, and it kills me, but it's part of my lot in life I guess. Every time it happens, I just have to get through it. But there are lots of things like that in life, and it all changes and/or gets better eventually.