As Daric and I get closer to our wedding date, I’ve been wanting to do a lot of preparing myself for marriage. I can’t wait to be his wife, and I want so much to ensure that our marriage will be strong and intimate and protected. My worst fear, as he is well aware of by now, is infidelity.
My life has been full of abandonments, both slight and devastating. Before I was born, my life had experience abandonment by my biological father. Many people will think that getting over a father you never had would be easy, but it’s not, because as you look around at all the other families that have one, you realize what you miss. God stepped in, and did so much, and then put my stepdad in that position, and I have and will ever be grateful for that. Still…the abandonment there can be like a scab. You pick/think about it, and it opens, but if you leave it, it will heal. Until you pick it again. It’s mostly healed now, but it’s kind of a scar now.
Other people have come and gone. But because of my original experience with abandonment, those comings and goings have affected me pretty deeply. The lack of caring about feelings, people not willing to try to heal broken things, pretending like everything is ok when it’s not. These are things I have experienced in situations out of my control, but my marriage is not out of my control, and I will not have them creep in and destroy us. Because these things lead to my greatest fear. And we’re back to infidelity.
I don’t pretend I don’t have these fears, and I tell Daric, and he lovingly says…it’s not going to happen. Don’t worry about it. Relax.
And I believe him, but that fear is there, not like a scab, but an open wound. I think and think and see that at the root of it all? I don’t think I’m worthy of the love he has given me. It’s a simple, powerful love. It has changed me and made me happier than I ever thought I could be. It has given me goals and purpose, and a dream come true. All through Daric, right from God. And my greatest fear is to lose it. And the easiest way for me to think of that happening is for him to wake up one day, look at me, and decide…she’s so not worth giving up all the excitement I had. And he says, NO. I don’t think you’re boring, and I am willingly and gladly giving up all of that to wake up next to you, my love. But my fear persists.
So I know I need to stop my fear in order for my marriage to be unplagued by my self-doubt. So I think about self-esteem. What does it mean? How do I improve mine? Why do I think so little of myself in the first place?
I have many reasons to why I think of myself as unworthy. The main one is media. The other is how I see myself and my life. And other little reasons about what people have said to me in the past, the way they’ve treated me. I’m apparently very sensitive.
So, in order to safeguard my marriage, I realize I need to shut off this voice in my head. So, I’m making a concentrated effort. Over the next 5 weeks, I’ll be undertaking a complete self-esteem makeover. It will be partly focused on secular things: the media, how it affects me, how I feel about myself and why. How I can change my self-image to be more positive and confident. Rule #1: I am not allowed to weigh myself more than once a week. I have lost almost 45 pounds over the last year and a half. Why is that not enough for me? I don’t know yet. I’ll find out.
The other half of my makeover will involve God. What does He think of me? What does He expect from me as a woman? What does beauty and worth mean to Him? What does a real woman look like to Him? How can He help me heal my self-thoughts and free me from these chains?
Although my blog is usually reserved for my creative writing, I am putting this all in here, and hopefully will update everyday. I choose to put this in here because two questions I have been wondering are: Why don’t we talk about this problem? When does it stop?
I want this self-image problem to stop with me. I don’t want my sons thinking all women are insecure spazzes. And I especially don’t ever want my daughters to feel this way.
And I also hope that what I learn will help other women. It’s time that we break free of the media’s expectations of us, and live up to our own, and if applicable to our lives, God’s expectations of and desires for us.
Much love,
Amanda
If I tell myself a thousand times a day that I'm not worth it, I eventually believe it...alternatively if I can battle each self defeating thought with a loving positive thought about myself I can eventually starve that self hate down to a manageable amount that won't rule my decisions or reactions. I am on this journey with you m'dear.
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