about freedom.

i feel like i’m at this cross. between who i could have been and who i became and who people expect me and tell me to be. what do i want? and more importantly, what does God want for me?

confronted with the movement of other lives forward, i feel like i’m drowning in the non-momentum of my life. i’m stuck being one thing because people warn me not to change, but i see other people change and attain that which i want most desperately. when does one break free? when do i not care enough anymore to cast off the opinions of others and free myself from the weight of their expectations?

i want to be free. i want to be excited. i want to laugh and lie down at the end of the day and know that someone loves me and wants to keep laughing with me. everyday. for as long as they can. i want to see my life move forward instead of being stuck and rolling backwards.

i’m tired of not having what i want. i feel like people are holding me hostage. telling me not to live an exciting life, full of adventure. to not take a chance because ‘something bad’ might happen. who cares anymore? i don’t. even if something bad happens…at least it’s something. finally something. something i can feel instead of the dread of another day that comes and goes without feeling anything at all.

God tells me that i am free. free from fear, and free from condemnation. i’m taking that to heart. from here on out, i’m free, and i’m going to use that promise to take chances.

i hereby cast off the shackles of the boring life. 

intersected...

...for some moments

parallel for others

you didn't see me

i was invisible to you even
when we crashed

or was that why we crashed

i am you
you didn't see me


you looked through me because you just saw you

and ignored yourself

uncloaked

inky black
inside
a see-through shell

like you

uncloaked
i see you

i make out
you're no different from anyone else

same tastes
same lies
same oblivious stare


am i the only one
to dare

to be different

about you and my dreams.

i am dreaming

you, whoever you are

someone other than who i thought you might be?

you and me, at an altar

then, in a home

and you play with the boys

while the girls and i laugh and i teach them to knit

and we all sit down and eat

watch a movie and feel loved

and then i jolt

woken up to another dark night

after another day spent alone

and i fearfully place the grains of my hope into His hands

what will happen?

the grains may be tossed into the winds

never to be borne

or they may be used to build my dream

as the days tick by

the dreams trickle away

farther from my heart

unfulfilled

i wish i could know what will happen

and i wish i could know who you are

about love and Love.

i was made for love. 


to give it and receive it. 


unfortunately i give more away than i receive, resulting in a lopsided and confused heart. it rows with a whole paddle on one side and half of a paddle on the other. it just goes in circles mostly. 


the only reason i am special to the universe is because Jesus loves me. this also makes me a target to the universe.


perhaps one day someone other than Jesus will truly love me and i will again be made special. 


it can only be the person who can never leave that matters in this though; forever is what makes the special real. and permanent.


He is Love. 


i was made for Love. and love. 

being invisible.

i’m sick of being your second choice. i don’t want to be your back-up plan. i’m not ‘good enough’ for now. i’m tired of people looking through me and not at me. i’m not here for you until something better comes along. it’s not, ‘oh amanda will still be there when i’m bored, so just forget about her for now’.

i’m done with being ignored and abandoned and passed over.

you’re just like everyone else.

and you just don’t care.

why do i try so hard? it doesn’t matter.

but i matter.

about how Jesus makes me a better rebel.

all my life, i've been somewhat of a rebel. not in big things that matter, mind you. but in small ways. you want me to sit? i'd rather stand, thanks. you want me to repeat after you? these lips are zipped. you say white, i say black. and so it goes. 

i can't say exactly why i'm like this. because if you're reading this, you probably know that in general, i'm fairly reliable, and i do tend to follow as many rules as i can. but something about someone ordering me around, having expectations of me about things that just don't matter...i don't like it. 

when i was younger, everyone told me that one day i would get married. so i said i wouldn't. and they all said, oh no, you'll be the first one to get married. 

i wasn't. 

now that nobody cares, i really would like to be married. 

i hope you're seeing the pattern here. 

i'm going to make a wild assumption here and guess that if Jesus had never entered my soul and polished me up a bit, i would be a very different rebel. it's interesting to look at the people around me who don't know Jesus and see how their lives have turned out and how mine might have. not that there's anything wrong with your life if you don't know Jesus, it's just so foreign from my experience that i don't really get it. 

i think that if i hadn't started to rebel from society's expectations on my own, then i probably would have done a lot more things i would now regret. but somehow, these days, knowing Jesus makes rebellion against the expectations so much sweeter. unlike so many other 20-somethings, i don't go out, get drunk, and do whatever it is they do with the opposite sex afterwards. (ok, i know what they do, i just didn't want to type it out). i feel like people expect this behaviour from me, so i don't give in, and knowing Jesus would approve of that decision makes it easier. 

the whole thing about following Jesus (not necessarily being a 'Christian', because there are plenty of 'Christians' that don't act like Jesus), is that it's a natural rebellion. your whole life is centred around defying society's expectations. the over-arching 'they' in our society expects you to act a certain way at a certain point, and to have certain opinions and to give in to certain things. and when you don't, they get mad. i find it best to say nothing about these things if nobody asks, but if they do, and i have to open my mouth and give my opinion, chances are, if you're an average non-Christian, you're not going to like what i have to say. quite frankly, i don't care. that's kind of the whole point of being a rebel. 

but being a rebel for Christ is easier. i just point to Him. i don't like certain things because He made me not like them. i don't do certain things because He won't let me. and somehow, people think that because it's for Jesus, you're crazy anyways, so why don't we just leave her alone. 

it's interesting how Jesus can make your weak points into strong points. i used to just be a rebel for the sake of upending people's expectations. now i'm a rebel because Jesus was one, and i'm following His example. Hopefully, we can use this rebellious spirit to make the world a better place. 

He can take your weaknesses and make them into strengths too. it would be interesting to see what your life would be like after He did. i speak from experience when i tell you that it will be better than you can imagine. being for Christ is the easiest thing i do, and my life is better for it.