about words.

Sometimes I know that I cannot express my self in words. They seem so plain and inadequate. To capture the depth and breadth and intensity of what I feel in my self. Then other times, someone else does the talking for me:


Though still in bed, my thoughts go out to you, my Immortal Beloved, now and then joyfully, then sadly, waiting to learn whether or not fate will hear us - I can live only wholly with you or not at all - Yes, I am resolved to wander so long away from you until I can fly to your arms and say that I am really at home with you, and can send my soul enwrapped in you into the land of spirits - Yes, unhappily it must be so - You will be the more contained since you know my fidelity to you. No one else can ever possess my heart - never - never - Oh God, why must one be parted from one whom one so loves. And yet my life in V is now a wretched life - Your love makes me at once the happiest and the unhappiest of men - At my age I need a steady, quiet life - can that be so in our connection? My angel, I have just been told that the mailcoach goes every day - therefore I must close at once so that you may receive the letter at once - Be calm, only by a calm consideration of our existence can we achieve our purpose to live together - Be calm - love me - today - yesterday - what tearful longings for you - you - you - my life - my all - farewell. Oh continue to love me - never misjudge the most faithful heart of your beloved.
ever thine
ever mine
ever ours
                             -Beethoven

about my favourite love story

There was a girl. Alone and misunderstood; figured she’d forge through life somehow.

The girl told God, “If you want to give me someone, please do. But I don’t want to have anything to do with it. Just make me know it’s him and it’s real when it’s time.”

A few years passed, and there was a boy. He’d made some mistakes, and wanted to go far away to fix them.

No word from God came to the girl. She settled into a life of solitude and learning, unbeknownst to her, how to live the life God intended for her.

Then one day, the girl saw a cup. She wanted the cup, and hinted to friends and family online that she wanted it. She’s forthright like that.

The boy was standing around, and saw the cup.

God said, “Ya, this seems like a good moment.”

So, the boy bought the cup for the girl. The girl sent a message to say thank you. The boy wanted to send more messages, but the girl had to go to work.

“My cell phone number…text me :)”

For a while they talked, and then the boy got sent to the sandbox.

But the girl was falling in love. So she trusted God, and herself, and told him. And he said, “Me too.”

So they started a relationship. Messaging, and Skyping, and Facebooking. Letters…gifts…

They thought they’d have to wait for a very long time to be together, until the girl suggested “Hey, you’re coming home for a little while soon…why not then?”

And he said, “Sure, here’s a ticket.”

So she got on a plane. And then another plane. And then got lost in an airport.

 

And then he saw her and held her. He kissed her, and took her hand, and took her home. He opened car doors, paid for dinner, took care of her when she got sick.

Then, one night, sitting in mostly-darkness…”Will you marry me?”

“Yes.”

And laughter and tears and love and happiness ensued.

Then the week wound down, and the love got stronger, and the tears flowed more, and the happiness was put on hold.

And the girl came ‘home’, but left her real home behind in his eyes and arms and voice saying “I love you baby.”

She left her tears and heart with him to wait for the day when he would come back and be her home once more, forever.

 

To be continued…

i think too much i'm pretty sure.

i think about the future and the hopes and love and comfort and amazements i have to look forward to. with you.

i think about disappointing. a lot. the fleets-through of ideas about how any one will be disappointed in any thing i've done or want to do.

i think about the 'at last' touch. and the final first kiss i'll need. and then a lifetime of learning.

i think the tears will flood my soul until i can get back to you.

i think about the disconnect between what i want my life to be and what i'm living in now.

i think i'm tired and i want a brand new world.

i wish writing these things down would free me of them. but now they're tied to me forever.

on walks.

I used to walk to be alone.
Earbuds in.
Pound down the sidewalk.
Crunch through the snow.
Anger pulsing through my mind
and then melting away.

I still walk because I love it.
Create a path, follow it back.
Free my mind.

Now, you.
You come on my walks with me
from across the ocean.
Waters so vast.
I wish they would drain away.
Then I could walk along the bottom.
Then walk you home with me.

No. My walks are still contained and constrained
by the limits of a life I can't wait to leave behind.

But now when I walk, you're with me.
I talk to you.
I imagine what it would be like to hold your hand and keep walking.
But I return home eventually.

"Although you are not here, I really enjoyed our walk tonight"

about our souls.

it’s about two souls

intertwining

all fears disintegrate

the fear of being judged

the fear of trusting

the fear of being seen

the fear of letting go and moving forward

the fear of honesty

i want your soul with mine forever

to see me and trust me and share everything

encompass me

move forward with me

take me away to be always yours

about how all of a sudden…

my old fears are overcome.

my world changed.

my brain can’t put into words what my heart feels.

my life got lighter and brighter.

i have something to look forward to.

my heart randomly flames up with this…

it just appeared out of nowhere.

i see things differently.

i laugh more.

i have real dreams.

i learned so much.

i get what they’ve been talking about.

about freedom.

i feel like i’m at this cross. between who i could have been and who i became and who people expect me and tell me to be. what do i want? and more importantly, what does God want for me?

confronted with the movement of other lives forward, i feel like i’m drowning in the non-momentum of my life. i’m stuck being one thing because people warn me not to change, but i see other people change and attain that which i want most desperately. when does one break free? when do i not care enough anymore to cast off the opinions of others and free myself from the weight of their expectations?

i want to be free. i want to be excited. i want to laugh and lie down at the end of the day and know that someone loves me and wants to keep laughing with me. everyday. for as long as they can. i want to see my life move forward instead of being stuck and rolling backwards.

i’m tired of not having what i want. i feel like people are holding me hostage. telling me not to live an exciting life, full of adventure. to not take a chance because ‘something bad’ might happen. who cares anymore? i don’t. even if something bad happens…at least it’s something. finally something. something i can feel instead of the dread of another day that comes and goes without feeling anything at all.

God tells me that i am free. free from fear, and free from condemnation. i’m taking that to heart. from here on out, i’m free, and i’m going to use that promise to take chances.

i hereby cast off the shackles of the boring life.