intersected...

...for some moments

parallel for others

you didn't see me

i was invisible to you even
when we crashed

or was that why we crashed

i am you
you didn't see me


you looked through me because you just saw you

and ignored yourself

uncloaked

inky black
inside
a see-through shell

like you

uncloaked
i see you

i make out
you're no different from anyone else

same tastes
same lies
same oblivious stare


am i the only one
to dare

to be different

about you and my dreams.

i am dreaming

you, whoever you are

someone other than who i thought you might be?

you and me, at an altar

then, in a home

and you play with the boys

while the girls and i laugh and i teach them to knit

and we all sit down and eat

watch a movie and feel loved

and then i jolt

woken up to another dark night

after another day spent alone

and i fearfully place the grains of my hope into His hands

what will happen?

the grains may be tossed into the winds

never to be borne

or they may be used to build my dream

as the days tick by

the dreams trickle away

farther from my heart

unfulfilled

i wish i could know what will happen

and i wish i could know who you are

about love and Love.

i was made for love. 


to give it and receive it. 


unfortunately i give more away than i receive, resulting in a lopsided and confused heart. it rows with a whole paddle on one side and half of a paddle on the other. it just goes in circles mostly. 


the only reason i am special to the universe is because Jesus loves me. this also makes me a target to the universe.


perhaps one day someone other than Jesus will truly love me and i will again be made special. 


it can only be the person who can never leave that matters in this though; forever is what makes the special real. and permanent.


He is Love. 


i was made for Love. and love. 

being invisible.

i’m sick of being your second choice. i don’t want to be your back-up plan. i’m not ‘good enough’ for now. i’m tired of people looking through me and not at me. i’m not here for you until something better comes along. it’s not, ‘oh amanda will still be there when i’m bored, so just forget about her for now’.

i’m done with being ignored and abandoned and passed over.

you’re just like everyone else.

and you just don’t care.

why do i try so hard? it doesn’t matter.

but i matter.

about how Jesus makes me a better rebel.

all my life, i've been somewhat of a rebel. not in big things that matter, mind you. but in small ways. you want me to sit? i'd rather stand, thanks. you want me to repeat after you? these lips are zipped. you say white, i say black. and so it goes. 

i can't say exactly why i'm like this. because if you're reading this, you probably know that in general, i'm fairly reliable, and i do tend to follow as many rules as i can. but something about someone ordering me around, having expectations of me about things that just don't matter...i don't like it. 

when i was younger, everyone told me that one day i would get married. so i said i wouldn't. and they all said, oh no, you'll be the first one to get married. 

i wasn't. 

now that nobody cares, i really would like to be married. 

i hope you're seeing the pattern here. 

i'm going to make a wild assumption here and guess that if Jesus had never entered my soul and polished me up a bit, i would be a very different rebel. it's interesting to look at the people around me who don't know Jesus and see how their lives have turned out and how mine might have. not that there's anything wrong with your life if you don't know Jesus, it's just so foreign from my experience that i don't really get it. 

i think that if i hadn't started to rebel from society's expectations on my own, then i probably would have done a lot more things i would now regret. but somehow, these days, knowing Jesus makes rebellion against the expectations so much sweeter. unlike so many other 20-somethings, i don't go out, get drunk, and do whatever it is they do with the opposite sex afterwards. (ok, i know what they do, i just didn't want to type it out). i feel like people expect this behaviour from me, so i don't give in, and knowing Jesus would approve of that decision makes it easier. 

the whole thing about following Jesus (not necessarily being a 'Christian', because there are plenty of 'Christians' that don't act like Jesus), is that it's a natural rebellion. your whole life is centred around defying society's expectations. the over-arching 'they' in our society expects you to act a certain way at a certain point, and to have certain opinions and to give in to certain things. and when you don't, they get mad. i find it best to say nothing about these things if nobody asks, but if they do, and i have to open my mouth and give my opinion, chances are, if you're an average non-Christian, you're not going to like what i have to say. quite frankly, i don't care. that's kind of the whole point of being a rebel. 

but being a rebel for Christ is easier. i just point to Him. i don't like certain things because He made me not like them. i don't do certain things because He won't let me. and somehow, people think that because it's for Jesus, you're crazy anyways, so why don't we just leave her alone. 

it's interesting how Jesus can make your weak points into strong points. i used to just be a rebel for the sake of upending people's expectations. now i'm a rebel because Jesus was one, and i'm following His example. Hopefully, we can use this rebellious spirit to make the world a better place. 

He can take your weaknesses and make them into strengths too. it would be interesting to see what your life would be like after He did. i speak from experience when i tell you that it will be better than you can imagine. being for Christ is the easiest thing i do, and my life is better for it. 

about the fact that i exist and matter whether you think so or not.

on my commute home today, i was completely disrespected.

how, you might wonder, if i was alone, was i so utterly dissed?

by another driver.

see, when you cut someone off purely because you don’t want them to be in front of you, that’s disrespect.

i was coming down the highway, going a little faster than the people in the slow lane (because i was in the fast lane…that’s how these things work). the slow lane is going to end in about 400 metres, and the truck i am passing, cuts me off. not only did i have to hit the brakes, but i hit the horn. i resisted the urge to give him a glimpse of my beautiful middle finger.

i had plenty of room to pass this guy before his lane ended. Plenty. Did I mention I had PLENTY of room to pass??

i never would have even thought about passing had i not enough time before his lane ended. that’s the kind of person i am. the nice kind. that tries not to kill people.

and yet he cuts me off. the only reason i can think of for him doing this is because he just didn’t want me to pass him. never mind that i was going faster, and he had enough room to merge behind me.

you may wonder why i care so much, because i know that this is a little dramatic. 

besides the fact that my life was put in danger because of some dude’s ego?

it’s the fact that i exist. i matter. i’m a human being. i have intrinsic worth. and you think you’re so much more important than me because why? because you don’t want to be behind me in traffic?

that is not isolated to driving in our society. people no longer feel like they need to say ‘please’ and ‘thank you’. disrespect. not holding the door open for others if you’re perfectly able to and the other person might need it? disrespect. littering? not parking properly? peeing in public (an epidemic in my town apparently)? and a million other things. yuck. disrespect makes me sick to my stomach.

God made us all in His image. we owe it to Him and each other to have basic manners, treating each other like hey! i care about you because you’re a human being. going out of your way to make another person feel cared about is not a chore. it’s an honour. it makes you beautiful from the inside out. do it.