on self-esteem.

As Daric and I get closer to our wedding date, I’ve been wanting to do a lot of preparing myself for marriage. I can’t wait to be his wife, and I want so much to ensure that our marriage will be strong and intimate and protected. My worst fear, as he is well aware of by now, is infidelity.

My life has been full of abandonments, both slight and devastating. Before I was born, my life had experience abandonment by my biological father. Many people will think that getting over a father you never had would be easy, but it’s not, because as you look around at all the other families that have one, you realize what you miss. God stepped in, and did so much, and then put my stepdad in that position, and I have and will ever be grateful for that. Still…the abandonment there can be like a scab. You pick/think about it, and it opens, but if you leave it, it will heal. Until you pick it again. It’s mostly healed now, but it’s kind of a scar now.

Other people have come and gone. But because of my original experience with abandonment, those comings and goings have affected me pretty deeply. The lack of caring about feelings, people not willing to try to heal broken things, pretending like everything is ok when it’s not. These are things I have experienced in situations out of my control, but my marriage is not out of my control, and I will not have them creep in and destroy us. Because these things lead to my greatest fear. And we’re back to infidelity.

I don’t pretend I don’t have these fears, and I tell Daric, and he lovingly says…it’s not going to happen. Don’t worry about it. Relax.

And I believe him, but that fear is there, not like a scab, but an open wound. I think and think and see that at the root of it all? I don’t think I’m worthy of the love he has given me. It’s a simple, powerful love. It has changed me and made me happier than I ever thought I could be. It has given me goals and purpose, and a dream come true. All through Daric, right from God. And my greatest fear is to lose it. And the easiest way for me to think of that happening is for him to wake up one day, look at me, and decide…she’s so not worth giving up all the excitement I had. And he says, NO. I don’t think you’re boring, and I am willingly and gladly giving up all of that to wake up next to you, my love. But my fear persists.

So I know I need to stop my fear in order for my marriage to be unplagued by my self-doubt. So I think about self-esteem. What does it mean? How do I improve mine? Why do I think so little of myself in the first place?

I have many reasons to why I think of myself as unworthy. The main one is media. The other is how I see myself and my life. And other little reasons about what people have said to me in the past, the way they’ve treated me. I’m apparently very sensitive.

So, in order to safeguard my marriage, I realize I need to shut off this voice in my head. So, I’m making a concentrated effort. Over the next 5 weeks, I’ll be undertaking a complete self-esteem makeover. It will be partly focused on secular things: the media, how it affects me, how I feel about myself and why. How I can change my self-image to be more positive and confident. Rule #1: I am not allowed to weigh myself more than once a week. I have lost almost 45 pounds over the last year and a half. Why is that not enough for me? I don’t know yet. I’ll find out.

The other half of my makeover will involve God. What does He think of me? What does He expect from me as a woman? What does beauty and worth mean to Him? What does a real woman look like to Him? How can He help me heal my self-thoughts and free me from these chains?

Although my blog is usually reserved for my creative writing, I am putting this all in here, and hopefully will update everyday. I choose to put this in here because two questions I have been wondering are: Why don’t we talk about this problem? When does it stop?

I want this self-image problem to stop with me. I don’t want my sons thinking all women are insecure spazzes. And I especially don’t ever want my daughters to feel this way.

And I also hope that what I learn will help other women. It’s time that we break free of the media’s expectations of us, and live up to our own, and if applicable to our lives, God’s expectations of and desires for us.

Much love,

Amanda

if you understand the feelings distance creates.

when i was in the second grade, i got punched in the stomach by a boy.

being apart from the one you should be with is like suffering an emotional punch in the stomach everyday. or punch in the soul. or both.

i see that not everyone understands the tumultuous feelings that come with such an arrangement.

perhaps if everyone was forced to spend time separated by distance from their true mate they wouldn’t take them for granted or fight as much. they would hold hands more or remember to say ‘i love you’ each morning as they parted.

a simple task can become mostly unbearable.

a shopping trip can come to a swift and bittersweet end as you stand in a store being caught off guard as you realize that ‘marry me’ by train is playing on the overhead radio and that this mundane task would be beyond incredible if only you were holding hands with your husband (-to-be…although such a distinction is one i make for the picky who may read this and not one i make in my mind).

you stand in the store, holding a skirt, hearing the song. a song you love and listen to often while thinking of your love. holding back tears the only way you know how…deep breaths and the desire to not have everyone staring at you. what kind of woman cries while shopping?

i do. i also cry in restaurants and at work and in the shower and to myself at night while falling asleep. or trying to. my heart soars when i see wedding ads. my heart cringes when i see someone wearing camo. my heart hurts when i think of distance and 100 days left. my heart smiles when i look down at my sparkly keepsake, a reminder that he will come home and we will be together, inseparable.

people make jokes that say, you miss her now, but wait until you have to see her everyday. and he says, it’s never gonna happen. i will never take you for granted and i will always cherish you.

he says, i can’t see what you’re wearing today or how your hair looks, but you’re beautiful to me everyday. when you feel bad because you’re bloated or that the pants you know are your size in a store don’t fit, you are upset, but you think of him standing right there, telling you, you’re beautiful no matter what.

you imagine him next to you in your car, at home on the couch, walking down the street.

did you know that the simplest activities of everyday life become extraordinary because the one you love is by your side?

i didn’t, but i do now.

he says, this will be the most difficult thing we ever have to go through, and don’t give up, because we’re almost there. it’s already halfway through june. it’s going to be ok. i’ll always be there when you cry after all this is over.

you look forward to celebrating being a bride with your friends, but are aware that you will probably break down and cry sometime between present openings.

i don’t know how many people know these things, but i wish more did. it would be easier to suffer. misery loves company and such. my only company is still my best friend, separated from me by 7 hours of time difference and a big ocean and lots of sand.

i wonder how quickly 100 days can come and go. if God has mercy on us, the answer is very.

about memories.

I think of you as next to me.

I talk to you and think of what you would say back.

I imagine your touch on my face.

I dream of your kiss.

I remember the moments we shared.

My Heart hurts that you’re so far.

It screams out for you to come back.

“You shouldn’t be so far away. Please…”

My Mind remembers your smell.

The sound of your voice.

Your intricacies and movements.

Mind wants to experience them again.

My Hands wish to touch you.

To feel your arms around me.

My Soul wants it’s mate back.

My Eyes think of everything the rest of Me wants, and flow tears. 

about words.

Sometimes I know that I cannot express my self in words. They seem so plain and inadequate. To capture the depth and breadth and intensity of what I feel in my self. Then other times, someone else does the talking for me:


Though still in bed, my thoughts go out to you, my Immortal Beloved, now and then joyfully, then sadly, waiting to learn whether or not fate will hear us - I can live only wholly with you or not at all - Yes, I am resolved to wander so long away from you until I can fly to your arms and say that I am really at home with you, and can send my soul enwrapped in you into the land of spirits - Yes, unhappily it must be so - You will be the more contained since you know my fidelity to you. No one else can ever possess my heart - never - never - Oh God, why must one be parted from one whom one so loves. And yet my life in V is now a wretched life - Your love makes me at once the happiest and the unhappiest of men - At my age I need a steady, quiet life - can that be so in our connection? My angel, I have just been told that the mailcoach goes every day - therefore I must close at once so that you may receive the letter at once - Be calm, only by a calm consideration of our existence can we achieve our purpose to live together - Be calm - love me - today - yesterday - what tearful longings for you - you - you - my life - my all - farewell. Oh continue to love me - never misjudge the most faithful heart of your beloved.
ever thine
ever mine
ever ours
                             -Beethoven

about my favourite love story

There was a girl. Alone and misunderstood; figured she’d forge through life somehow.

The girl told God, “If you want to give me someone, please do. But I don’t want to have anything to do with it. Just make me know it’s him and it’s real when it’s time.”

A few years passed, and there was a boy. He’d made some mistakes, and wanted to go far away to fix them.

No word from God came to the girl. She settled into a life of solitude and learning, unbeknownst to her, how to live the life God intended for her.

Then one day, the girl saw a cup. She wanted the cup, and hinted to friends and family online that she wanted it. She’s forthright like that.

The boy was standing around, and saw the cup.

God said, “Ya, this seems like a good moment.”

So, the boy bought the cup for the girl. The girl sent a message to say thank you. The boy wanted to send more messages, but the girl had to go to work.

“My cell phone number…text me :)”

For a while they talked, and then the boy got sent to the sandbox.

But the girl was falling in love. So she trusted God, and herself, and told him. And he said, “Me too.”

So they started a relationship. Messaging, and Skyping, and Facebooking. Letters…gifts…

They thought they’d have to wait for a very long time to be together, until the girl suggested “Hey, you’re coming home for a little while soon…why not then?”

And he said, “Sure, here’s a ticket.”

So she got on a plane. And then another plane. And then got lost in an airport.

 

And then he saw her and held her. He kissed her, and took her hand, and took her home. He opened car doors, paid for dinner, took care of her when she got sick.

Then, one night, sitting in mostly-darkness…”Will you marry me?”

“Yes.”

And laughter and tears and love and happiness ensued.

Then the week wound down, and the love got stronger, and the tears flowed more, and the happiness was put on hold.

And the girl came ‘home’, but left her real home behind in his eyes and arms and voice saying “I love you baby.”

She left her tears and heart with him to wait for the day when he would come back and be her home once more, forever.

 

To be continued…

i think too much i'm pretty sure.

i think about the future and the hopes and love and comfort and amazements i have to look forward to. with you.

i think about disappointing. a lot. the fleets-through of ideas about how any one will be disappointed in any thing i've done or want to do.

i think about the 'at last' touch. and the final first kiss i'll need. and then a lifetime of learning.

i think the tears will flood my soul until i can get back to you.

i think about the disconnect between what i want my life to be and what i'm living in now.

i think i'm tired and i want a brand new world.

i wish writing these things down would free me of them. but now they're tied to me forever.

on walks.

I used to walk to be alone.
Earbuds in.
Pound down the sidewalk.
Crunch through the snow.
Anger pulsing through my mind
and then melting away.

I still walk because I love it.
Create a path, follow it back.
Free my mind.

Now, you.
You come on my walks with me
from across the ocean.
Waters so vast.
I wish they would drain away.
Then I could walk along the bottom.
Then walk you home with me.

No. My walks are still contained and constrained
by the limits of a life I can't wait to leave behind.

But now when I walk, you're with me.
I talk to you.
I imagine what it would be like to hold your hand and keep walking.
But I return home eventually.

"Although you are not here, I really enjoyed our walk tonight"